4 days after amputation: first walk!

Oh guys.

Toller had her first walk today, and it was amazing.

Every action, you could just see the joy. She sniffed EVERYTHING!! She was so intrigued and happy to be out in the world again and walking, it was amazing. She was sniffing, springing, playing, pulling up flowers…it was so darn cute.

She was SO HAPPY. It was truly wonderful to see 🙂

Can you imagine if the first vets had agreed to amputation immediately? She would have been walking less than a week after the accident, as oppose to eleven weeks after 😦 Still, at least it got done, and she’s LOVING IT!!

We were saying today, we’ve not seen her trip once since tripawd life haha!

She got to see our friend today who was over visiting Mojo, and he was *amazed* at how skilled she is walking. Next time he’s over, in about a week, we’ll do a 5 minute walk with her 🙂

Anyway, this is what you’ve all been waiting for – a video of her entire walk!

Tolly update, crate rest is over!

Keeping it short because I’ve been horribly ill from the moment I got up today.

Toller finally had her vet appt this afternoon and we got the best news ever, crate rest is over!

The vet said that Toller has recovered faster than any of them could have anticipated, and even from her vet appt a few weeks ago Toller has made more progress than expected. The vet said that Toller can now be put on the ground in the house for several minute bursts, then held for a while, and put down again.

Obviously she’s not to run madly or jump on and off furniture, but this will be huge for her 🙂

It goes without saying we are very happy. Can’t wait until I’m well enough to play and interact with her on the floor.


Oh and here is a cute video from yesterday, I think…we discovered she loves the spray bottle!!


I have tried SO MUCH to keep Tolly busy…I am failing XD

We have tried walks being carried. I’ll pick up sticks, leaves and litter, for her to sniff, chew or play tug with. I dance under bridges and sing so my voice echoes. None of that is at all interesting anymore.

In the house we have puzzle feeders. If we fill them with wet food, she is vaguely interested.

We do stationary training, but can only do a few reps before she’s bored now.

She has chews, pig trotters and knuckle bones, but at this point they are worse than useless. She has zero interest in the trotter and will chew the bone for a few minutes.

Spud is DONE!!

God. bless. this. dog!


The most boring bone in the world XD

Tolly finally has a vet appt this afternoon!

Originally it was last Saturday, but we cancelled it until Monday as my seizures were off the charts. On Monday, we got a phone call saying no vets were in at the surgery and the appt was moved to Wednesday.

On Wednesday, two hours before the appt, we had a phone call from the vet. My bf answered but nobody spoke. He hung up the phone and tried several times to call them over the next few hours, but the phones were down.

He assumed the system was down, and that somebody had been calling to cancel our appt again, and as I was out of it with seizures he stayed home and decided he’d call them the next day.

A vet called us around 6pm, asking why we’d missed the appt and not acknowledging  that they called us or the phones weren’t working at all. This vet was also unaware that we’d seen a different vet less than a week ago, and was under the impression Toller hadn’t been seen since the day of the x-ray.

So we have an appt this afternoon.

Yesterday was a terrible day for seizures and bipolar mood. Depression has suffocated me this week, and yesterday I got a huge dollop of seizure rage too. I was screaming and yelling at my bf, then bubbling with self-hatred for the things I was saying. Seizure rage feeds so easily into depression.

Sasha was incredible during the episode. She sat or stood at my side, nose nudged alerts (IDK what for, stim alerts maybe?) and did a front block several times too. All with no instruction, she just rocked it and was totally calm and in ‘work mode’!


Once the rage and seizures had passed I was back to my usual very depressed self, so Sasha got on with some DPT.

Charley is doing great with no walks, he’s much happier 🙂




Kasper is Kasper.


“This crate is MINE!” “No Kasper, it’s Charley’s…”


Fighting to be happy(er)

Yesterday was an incredibly awful day.

We had to say goodbye to one of our dogs. He had been diagnosed with stomach cancer for a number of weeks, and had been poorly since before Christmas. His time had come and he was starting to suffer, with happy moments few and far between.

This is the last photo I took where you can’t really tell he was poorly…


I don’t want to talk about it. We knew it was coming for several weeks and were constantly preparing ourselves, but nothing can really help you be ready and I didn’t even get to say a proper goodbye because on the way to the vets I started having seizures and couldn’t go!

He will be hugely missed. That little dog left a huge hole. We entirely spoilt him for the last month of his life and he lived off Lily’s Kitchen food, Fish4Dogs treats, Zooplus chews and all sorts…he’d lost not far off half his body weight by the end but even being so poorly he was excited to greet vet staff.

RIP baby boy, we love you so much ❤

Also yesterday, on a walk with Sasha and Tolly, Sasha ran full speed through a gap/style in a stone wall, and just started screaming. Oh, we thought we’d broken her leg and my heart sank!

I rushed over to her and just held her. I held her up, then kissed her head and just repeated “It’s okay, it’s okay, you’re okay, it’s okay”…she’d stopped after about a minute, and when I assessed her leg she was fine with me moving it and touching it.

We were 30 minutes from home which was a nightmare but thanks to a lucky bus timing we managed to get back. We tied her to the armchair and could already tell she was doing well, but still spoke with our vet. They said she would only need to go in if she was limping or showing lameness.

It was a truly terrifying experience and stressed me out about Raiden too, because it was all happening on the same day.

Sasha has healed really well, and although we’ve had a day of zero exercise and restricting movement indoors, there’s been zero signs of limping.


I’m trying so hard to fight off mood episodes. Stress, loss and emergencies are all HUGE triggers for depressive episodes, so it’s very much inevitable, but I’m trying to minimize it by finding stuff that I enjoy.

I’m going to start scrapbooking, I’m writing a little again, I’m getting back into card making and soap carving. I’m fighting hard. I’m trying to do activities I enjoy and not do enough to make me anxious or feel overwhelmed…my awesome partner is happy to pick up the slack if I need a day or two off feeding and cleaning the pets.

Something else exciting, we had our first quail egg today!


It’s such a tiny egg 🙂

I’ve also bought an incubator in, so we can try hatch them!

I’ve only hatched poultry once, and that was about 9 years ago. We had 14 eggs and hatched 5 chickens; 4 boys and 1 girl!! I’ve never hatched quail, so I’m cracking down and doing my research. Incubator arrives on the 6th Feb, by which time we’ll hopefully have 6 eggs to pop in!

Of course it depends on if they are fertile or not, and I’d expect a 50-60% hatch rate even if all the eggs are fertile (heard the phrase don’t count your chickens…?!) but it would be cute and a fun experience 🙂

Update done.


Depression takes the happiness out of everything.

We saw the New Year in with me curled up in my partner’s arms crying. We only knew it was New Year when family rang. The happiest moments of days leave me feeling worse afterwards, because I know that where I should be living on a high, I just feel…nothing. Or despair.

I’ve been living with major depression since I was ten years old. I’m tired of it now, I really am.

I constantly imagine if I’d successfully killed myself at 16 (probably the the time where I attempted it most), I could have saved myself 11 years of grief. That’s a very sad thought.

Oh I am so cheerful, Happy New Year everyone XD

Yesterday Tolly had her first walk where she went down on the ground. It was only for a few minutes, but she LOVED it!! It was kinda hilarious watching her spring about madly and ricochet off my wellies!


It left me feeling worse afterwards, because I knew that where I should have had a really fun and cute time, and this should be a memory I treasure forever, it was soiled by low mood. It infiltrates everything.

If playing with cute puppies or cuddling with my partner doesn’t cheer me up, nothing can. It’s lonely.

It was *incredibly* hard to walk with Toller XD

Not only was she bouncing off my wellies, but she spent a lot of time walking / running between or around my feet. I had to walk scraping my feet along the floor so I wouldn’t accidentally stand on her!!


Did I tell you how much Toller weighed?

I can’t remember so I’ll just tell you again!

So at 9 weeks old she weighed 1.25kg (my partner got it wrong and originally told me it was 1.5kg)
And at 12.5 weeks she weighs 1.95kg

Omg she doesn’t weigh 2kg yet XD I used a puppy-adult weight prediction calculator, and it’s now settled at 3.6kg!!

To put this into perspective, Pixie (Chihuahua x Dachshund) weighed 5.3kg full grown, and Raiden weighed 3.6kg at 14 weeks old. Omb she is going to be SO SMALL!

We work on obedience whilst I sort a few of the mice…plus she just looks insanely cute on the shelves XD

New Years Eve photo shoot happened!



My beautiful little family


We used to call these toys her littermates, because they were almost the same size as her…she’s groooown!!


Sasha laughs. They were never her littermates.


Somehow Tolly still fits under the drawers, where the tiny juice bottles live.

My Poodle is a donkey.

And working on our between and focus trick 🙂



And a lot of Spoonies were making charts using these, so I joined in 🙂

A huge ‘ugh’ day

I’m having a mixed episode and some days of bad seizures. It’s a terrible combination.

Bipolar mixed episodes are symptoms of both mania and depression. For me this involves not sleeping at all, not being able to concentrate, combined with extremely intense depression.

That plus two dozen seizures a day is…exhausting. And on top of that I am filled with a self-hatred so poisonous that I spend hours crying, because I’m being awful to my partner and he doesn’t deserve it and I despise myself.

Fun times!!!

My partner sat me down today and very calmly and concisely said that I can’t beat myself up for verbally lashing out, because a) I have a lot on my plate (not an adequate excuse at all to me) but b) 95% of the time when I do say hurtful things, I have a ‘seizure head’, and it’s the seizure dishing out the rage and the meanies.

And I literally can’t control seizure words. You should see me after seizures, I yelled at my partner once “YOU’RE NOT GOING SNOW BOARDING!!”…we have never been, nor do we want to go, snow boarding XD

Anyway, I felt a lot better after that. I have these constant hateful thoughts in my head because I’m such an awful person…quite reassuring to be told much of it is the result of seizures.

I don’t think I’m making sense. Shut up me, just post photos of dogs XD

Today we had a walk to the canal with Sasha, and she said hello to a family of three dogs: a grumpy old Lhasa, a cute vocal Staffy, and a Shar Pei x BC puppy that was the same age as her!!

It was literally half her size haha, but they had a whale of a time racing up and down the canal path playing. NOTHING makes me feel better than happy bum-wiggling puppy play bows, it really was lovely to watch and Sasha was incredibly polite 🙂

Oh also, before she actually got to say hi to them, she was running ahead up to them, and I recalled her. She’s just 20 weeks old remember and three dogs are hugely exciting, yet she turned and came back immediately!

Heeling on the way back



I had some seizures too. First I told my partner one was incoming. I dropped Sasha’s lead when it hit, and she stayed nearby as she has been trained to, and my partner picked it up. If I was on my own with her, I’d have obviously clipped it to my belt.

Furhter on I had to sit down right by the main road, which was a bit stoopid, but thankfully I was too out of it to be that embarrassed XD


My partner took Tolly to the vets for her appt today (final vaccination and microchip) and the surgery was shut!!!

It seems they forgot they were closed on the day they gave us an appt! We were both annoyed as he’d left me at home for 40 minutes to take Tolly there, and not only was today a high seizure day, but I was struggling and didn’t feel particularly safe either. We made it through though, but annoying it’ll have to be done again :/

Doesn’t her face look grown up here?! 🙂


Still so tiny hahaha!

We got an amazon prime delivery today, and their OTT packaging (which normally really annoys us!) came in useful as a free dog toy 😀

Puppers loved it XD


“My sister’s under here – don’t worry mum, I’ll rescue her!”

Footage from a very windy walk a few days ago. Toller makes an appearance at the end, and there’s some wonderful slo-mo puddle splashing too!

And, I leave you with baby mice and Poodle pics! The shiny brown boy is really showing the satin ^__^



A great day!

Day 5 with Sasha, we’re speeding along 🙂

It’s been SO NEAT watching her confidence grow outdoors, and watching her now taking things in her stride that previously concerned her. Really cool!

Today we had two trips out the house: one walk purely for socialisation, and this afternoon a vet visit. Partly as a general ‘new puppy’ check up, mostly because we thought she had an infection in both ears.

We also played and worked on feeling comfortable in the back garden too, early morning sun photo 🙂



For the first walk we took her to the beach, for her first time ever!

There’s so much construction going on atm in our village, and one bit has a 30ft stretch of very narrow pavement, blocked in by wire fencing, then the entire stretch of road and opposite pavement is closed and covered in workmen drilling, cranes moving, JCBs collecting rubble etc. Insanely noisy, especially because it’s all taking place under a bridge!!

And because of that there are so many bloody massive lorries going past at the moment. Every time we’ve left the house no matter where we are we get at least four going past us as we’re on a narrow pavement – aagh!

We carried Sasha though the roadworks, and she did very well. Practised direction cues and heeling once we put her down, we did lots of people watching, and even played a fun game of ‘run through the scaffolding’ 😀

Gave her a brief carry, because 5 mins walking per month of age, then she got to explore the beach and we carried her most the way back!

Hey look, first frost of the winter too 🙂


The vet appt was overall very good – a few meh bits that I’d have wanted to avoid for a first vet appt, but you know how vets are…

The main bad bits were having to lift her onto the scales and hold her until she calmed down. It only took a few seconds, then she sat for chicken, but I’d still like to have had time to do some work at home first :/

She weighs 9.5kg btw!

And the other bit was when the vet was checking her ears, using the instrument to look right in them, I had to restrain Sasha’s head. Not exactly a good intro to that. One ear was sore and made her whine, but she was really good and I made it as fun as possible. After she just sat on the table for 10 minutes whilst we spoke with the vet, just sitting and being calm and getting chicken ❤

Oh, I also didn’t like that the vet wanted to see her on the table…slippery high surface before much socialisation, wow thanks guys *sigh*

But as miserable as I’m making it sound Sasha was wonderful, she does have one ear with an infection (other is just dirty!) so has to have anti-biotic drops in the left and cleanser in both, which we were expecting.Really sucks we have to do this before getting to have done much handling work with her, but oh well.

She was fabulous in the waiting room, my partner asked the receptionist to ignore us as it was Sasha’s first visit, and Sasha was very happy exploring, very calm. Afterwards we went to wait in the car park while my partner paid up (£55!), so more people watching 🙂

The vet wasn’t worried about the ear infection and said it’s common in floppy eared and hairy breeds (which we knew) but also reassured us that it’s not at all unusual in 12 week old puppies, which we were worried about.

As usual they made out it could potentially be the worst thing ever (it *could* be recurring, it *could* be allergies, it *could* not respond to these drops so we’ll have to try these ones and then after that these ones – yet there was no mention of doing a swab to make sure you know which anti-biotics it would respond to?!)…but I’d already put in a lot of research and found lots of things to try.

I have some things to prevent ear infections and try maintain good ear health, and some stuff to treat ear infections at home too. Oh also, I couldn’t believe this!

The vet said that when Sasha’s older she might need to be brought in for regular sedation so that they can pluck the hairs out of her ears…this is something that all Poodles should have done, and it doesn’t require surgery!!! They made out that plucking ear hairs was something that only Poodles with repeated ear infections need, and that they must be sedated for it to happen.

How scary is it that they recommend that?!?!?

You can read more about Poodle ear care here.

Jeez, I really don’t like vets…anyway, my next immediate plans for socialisation are:

  • Restraint – holding her head, doing so whilst messing about, holding her in weird positions etc
  • The vets – I went to get her back at least once before her check-up in a weeks’ time
  • Busier places – outside supermarkets, walking around town etc.
  • Maybe try get her to meet other dogs on walks (good luck meeting stable dogs around here…)
  • Transport – taxi, bus, whatever
  • Meeting people calmly
  • Visit the train station

And next Tuesday we’re probably starting puppy training classes at our facility 🙂

Good socialisation so far has been, in particular, grooming.

I spent a few days desensitising her to the strimmers and scissors, because obviously this is a big deal in Poodles!! Today I wanted to start clipping small bits of hair off her, but was easily able to clip her all over!

Mostly I used the strimmers, but used the scissors around her ears and eyes too. She was bloody amazing. She lay there, then she slept XD

Also I got so much damn floof off and you practically can’t tell hahahaha


We’re keeping the hair on, under and around her ears really short to try get more air flow to her ear canal, and help stave off future ear infections…this will be alongside weekly cleanings and maybe even a weekly ‘tie your ears up out the way and air them out’ fun time XD

Finally, three of the harnesses arrived!

The Trixie ones I am really disappointed with. The lavender one is too chunky for Pixie to wear, it doesn’t go small enough even though she’s 5cm over the minimum size, and the blue one (although Sasha fits the girth on almost the SMALLEST setting) it barely fits over her head!!

Definitely won’t fit over her head in about a weeks’ time XD


Huge disappointment, do not recommend the Trixie padded harness…

However the other harness, Sasha’s ‘big girl’ harness, is amazing!!


Looks beautiful, love the colour, has some really nice features, and it comes with bags that you can wear on or take off.


Not bad for £8 huh? 😀

I put it on Sasha, because I wanted to see what it looked like, and omb she’s gonna look great in this!! Just needs to grow some first ^__^


And last but certainly not least, two custom order patches arrived for when she’s older ^__^


Changed the design ever so slightly from last time. I love them!

I have a lot more videos to share, because of course, but blah blah blah, later 😉

Random pics of the day!

Little miss needs extra cuddles from both of us to make sure she knows she’s still loved *sigh*



And Pecan. Being Pecan. ❤