Yay Tolly! And a day out

Toller had her first check up since surgery today, and it sounds like it went really well!

(I can’t go to appts due to the lights at the vet, but my bf called me right after)

Apparently when they were waiting, three nurses were walking through the waiting room and said “Oh hi Tolly!!” when they saw her, and came over to love on her. How sweet is that? πŸ™‚

They were seen by our favourite vet, and she said Toller is doing GREAT! There’s a slight rash by the stitches, most likely from rubbing on the top, which is normal and already clearing up. There’s some bruising from the op, which is also obviously completely normal.

The vet has cleared Toller to do 2 minute on lead walks 1-2x a day (aaaagh excited!!) and has said she can walk a little more in the house. Yay!

They’ve said we can stop her pain meds on Wed-Thurs, which seems CRAZY, but every pain score they’ve done (even immediately after surgery) she hasn’t reacted to at all.

And yesterday my parents came up.

We had a great day. Sasha was SUPER confident around them, for literally the firs time ever – it was awesome to see. She went up to them, sat for them, it was really cool – she looked like a normal dog haha.

We went on a huge hike. I think we were out 3-4 hours, but we did have several rest stops so my dad could fly his drone, and for the first 30+ minutes I was very seizurey and had to sit down a lot. The rest of the walk was lovely though, we all had a really nice time πŸ™‚

Sasha’s training for the most part was wonderful; she was very excited and distracted walking through the field of sheep (but I was way off my A game too because that’s when I was most poorly), and she was too excited to do much training, but she was happy and confident with everyone which was much more important. She met loads of doggy friends, including two Border Collies which she enjoyed bounding around!!

Pics πŸ™‚

But look how frickin’ huge she is πŸ˜„

My dad took some lovely photos. Love this one of me and Mojie πŸ™‚

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My partner and Mojie!

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Sasha smiling!

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Sharing snacks hahaha

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We had several rest stops on top of the mountain so my dad could fly his drone. Really good socialisation for the pups! And the photos are stunning – look at this view!!

Look at Sasha πŸ˜„

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Coming down the other side of the mountain

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Once back from the walk we dropped the pups off, my parents said hello to Spud, then we drove to get takeaway pizza and eat it on the beach. Talk about best meal ever πŸ˜‰

I found some hella impressive quicksand. This all looked like normal sand when I first walked across it, it scared the crap outta me!!

Birthday cake on the beach πŸ™‚ (it’s not his birthday until tomorrow, but we celebrated it about 4 days ago and then he celebrated it with my parents yesterday haha!)

Sunset πŸ™‚

So it was a really enjoyable day. We also got a nice leaving of Sasha, she was left for 2 hours and did wonderful ^_^

Oooh, quickly, I also finally got to give my mum her mother’s day ‘gifts’!! Mother’s Day was in March, but they hadn’t been up since, so I’ve been adding to the gift every week or two hahaha…I started needle felting a few months ago, and may have made my mum a Barbapapa family HAHAHA!

A day of tears

Yesterday was…fun -_-

It was the hardest day of this year so far, easy. Shitty things have been happening anyway and my mh has taken a dive this past week, but more than that was seeing Tolly walk for the first time.

I hadn’t seen her walk since before the accident, and all I’d been told was she was doing ‘great’. I saw her walk inside yesterday and her foot just looks AWFUL.

It’s twisted facing completely the wrong direction, the leg’s at a weird angle…it’s just heartbreaking and I immediately burst into tears. I was crying pretty much non-stop for the rest of the day, I’m talking huge floods of tears and just feeling hopeless.

I literally can’t be around Toller when she’s walking, I get hugely upset and then she gets upset. I need a few days to recover justΒ being with her, because when I see her atm it makes me teary because I remember her foot and think of how she was before and I just cry and cry and cry.

The guilt is tearing me up and then I feel like shit because when I start getting sad she just looks so confused, poor little love.

I have a lovely little ‘feel like shit’ list atm.

  • Toller’s foot
  • Overwhelming guilt for my bf (this started due to the things I say when I’m seizurey, but spred to pretty much everything – it’s at the point now where when we’re cuddling and happy together, I get tearful, guilty and sad)
  • Feeling like / stressing that I don’t want to be with my bf and our relationship has run it’s course (due to overwhelming guilt and seizure rage)
  • Seizures and everything they bring; stress, tiredness, feeling physically illΒ etc
  • HUGE health fears that reduce me to tearsΒ on a daily basis
  • Depressive episode (thus making above points feel even worse) – thanks for choosing now to raise your ugly head, bipolar

This week has been rough in general, but yesterday took the cake.

-sigh- Oh well, here are some photos of little Puddy one enjoying seconds of her dinner yesterday.

Sasha walks so far her legs shrink

No, not really. They’re still as ridiculously long as ever πŸ˜„

But we did do a massive hike!

We walked along the canal, and wow I forgot how busy a sunny weekend made EVERYWHERE. There are a ton of fair weather dog walkers in this area, we can walk year-round every day at all times and go weeks without seeing someone if the weather isn’t good; as soon as the sun comes out you can’t move for other dog walkers, regardless of what day it is!

Despite it being super busy, Sasha did awesome! She greeted a few other dogs (including a tiny extremely excited furball of a puppy that I wanted to pick up and carry home with me!!) and when two separate groups of walkers stopped to chat, standing on opposite sides of the canal path and leaving us with less than 1ft gap to walk between them, she did so with no anxiety at all πŸ™‚

 

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Finally we leave the canal and begin following the lane that will let us join the farmer’s fields, which are always dead.

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Sasha’s round a slight bend just enjoying herself, I can see her happily bouncing but not what she’s really looking at, and I call her to me to pop her on lead, as sometimes the field we’re going through has livestock in. She comes instantly, I clip her lead on, and when we continue I see that she’d been looking at sheep about 2ft away behind a metal gate!

So that was very cute! And also a really impressive recall πŸ˜‰

We passed through the first field and then Sasha got to go off lead and stretch her legs again. Field zoomies, yay!

Looking around us at the surrounding fields we couldn’t believe there were even several other dog walkers here!! We drifted from the path in search of wood for our vivariums, which Sasha was obviously very helpful with πŸ˜„

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We had a quick rest, enjoyed some drinks, and lay just soaking up the sun for about 15 minutes.

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You have no idea how much I love this photo!!

When we were all feeling rejuvinated we collected our sticks and carried on. The views in these fields are amazing, and with a blue sky above them it’s incredible. We decided to walk a little ways extra (if we followed our usual route we’d be on the canal and back in town within 15 minutes, and we wanted to see more of the countryside).

Getting Sasha to sit for this photo was like trying to get blood from a stone. Damn teenager, every time I asked her to sit she would just stand and grin at me πŸ˜„

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We finally turned to come back and rejoin the actual route. We’ve walked a few minutes down the path, and all of sudden there’s a gate?! We’ve been doing this walk for years, this has never been here. Ahead of that there’s an even more serious looking metal fence, with huge chains holding it shut.

There’s no other route off this path, we would have to go alllll the way back (adding 40+ minutes onto our journey), so I hop over the wooden fence to go read the signs on the next fence, to see what’s going on.

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Oh. Nice. Back we go then πŸ˜„

We repeat the entire loop and, even though I was worried about Sasha getting too tired to make it, make it she did. She was lagging for the last twenty minutes, but we got there!

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About ten minutes from home she did a big seizure alert, and sure enough less than five minutes later I had a huge seizure, that left me feeling very out of it. It was annoying being so close to home, but I knew I had to sit and recuperate.

The last 10 minutes took 20, but we got back safe and sound and had a lovely walk overall πŸ™‚

Ugh

Today’s rough.

I think it’s a combination of my three good days catching up with me, and switching to a new CBD oil. My last one was doing great after upping the dose, but when I ran out I bought a new strain in (higher %) and because it’s the first day it’s not doing anything 😦

As a result I’ve had a lot of long seizures, a huge cluster with some huge complex partial seizures, and now I feel exhausted and have an awful migraine. Sasha has not helped at all, she’s been acting up (WHY are you chasing the cat?! You’ve not cared at all, stop being a teenage gitbag and just behave whilst I feel so ill!!!) and the one time she cuddled with me, for about a minute, she jumped up at the slightest noise and proceeded to claw and trample me *sigh*

I really wish Toller was able to cuddle, she’d be perfect and help me feel better πŸ˜₯

I’m not doing much today. I’m proud that I even managed to set our cornsnake a new cage up and moved our gerbils to a 100cm tank. I haven’t walked any of the dogs and probably won’t; Sasha can get a grip, Tolly doesn’t get walks, and my partner can take Kasper for a run around the field later.

Sasha could have just saved my life!

The most amazing thing just happened.

We’d had a lovely sunny walk with Sasha and she’d seriously been on her A game, we were having a blast training (pics to come). We’d ended up at Tesco and my bf had gone inside to get some stuff, and my and Sasha were just mooching and training.

Out of nowhere Sasha hits me with a seizure alert, but as I felt fine I assumed it was just gonna be a little one. I phoned my partner to let him know, but he had no signal.

A few minutes later and I’m starting to feel really bad; hazy, my vision was screwed (which is a sign of a big seizure), and I wasn’t thinking straight. I might not remember everything and don’t have a time scale but here’s what happened.

I took us a bit of a distance from the entrance so I could watch for him, but he didn’t appear and now I was panicking. I’m not sure how long it was, but I went and asked a staff member who was smoking on a break if she could get a tanoy announcement for my partner as I was about to have seizures.

She was lovely and went to get that sorted, so I moved me and Sasha right out the way. Sasha spent about 30 seconds continuously licking my face and nose nudging me.

I tried to tie her lead to a post, but she just got tangled, so in the end just held it and hoped we’d be okay. At some point my partner appeared (who had missed the damn call for him as he had headphones in!!) and took over, and Tesco were lovely and offered first aid, but thanks to Sasha I had been made aware I was going to have a seizure and gotten myself somewhere safe πŸ™‚

So. Massive thanks to Sasha, who literally could have just saved my life!

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I was so elated afterwards that she’d done that, and just with how well she’d done in an entirely new situation…she had no fear and was just perfect, and I cried with gratitude because I do not deserve this amazing dog!

Here are some photos from goofing and training earlier πŸ™‚

Our new pink lead πŸ™‚

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Guess who just strolled on this grate (which used to be her nemesis) like it was nothing?! Not even a pause πŸ˜€

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Stays whilst my partner went into the bank…there were people (including kids) EVERYWHERE, and so many distractions as the supermarket car park is just behind us!

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And this was immediately after the alert, as I was feeling fine and trying to ring my partner!

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A huge fun sunny hike!

**quick update**

Kasper stays. There’s no way we can rehome him, so we’re just going to have to find a routine that keeps everyone stimulated, tired and happy, whilst keeping Kasper separate from Tolly and Charley, and Toller separate from everyone πŸ˜„

But I’m sure we can do it. We just need to adjust.

**/update**

Had a perfect walk with Sasha yesterdayΒ πŸ™‚

Also I’m considering suspending her out-the-house training, and focusing on at-home tasks for now. I’m too ill to train her outside the house, and it’s making me despair and really beat myself up. Going out purely to train her with the world, then getting seizures and crying because I’ve let her down and I’m never going to be able to manage it is stupid, especially when I actually don’t go ANYWHERE that Sasha couldn’t come as a pet.

So we’ll continue to improve tasks at home, but outdoors intense training will take a huge step back. I think we’ll both appreciate this! The tasks she performs at home are (these are tasks she already knows, not ones I want her to learn!):

  • Seizure alert
  • Seizure response (lying down in front of me so I can fall onto her)
  • Stim interruption
  • Panic alert
  • Interrupting when I’m accidentally finger twiddling, which often results in dislocations (this is caused by panic, psychosis, or even happens in some seizures!)

Yesterday we had our first official ‘no longer having to worry about training walk’, and it was GREAT because I had some seizures, and I didn’t have to feel like I’d ruined anything πŸ™‚

It made a huge bloody difference and was honestly one of our happiest walks!

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I think this is my favourite photo of me ever!

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Sasha was having SUCH A GOOD TIME zooming and splashing in the puddles, it was adorable! This video is possibly the best thing since sliced bread πŸ™‚

Someone got ever so slightly muddy πŸ˜„

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And this is a perfect example of the goal with loose lead walking; the lead sits in a lovely ‘J’ shape (or reverse, whatever!)

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And I seem to be entering a more extreme hypomanic / leading-to-manic episode.

I’ve had a week battling insomnia and getting little sleep every night, well last night 5am came and went and I was still wide awake. It was then me and my partner both realised that it was the approach of summer causing this; lighter days ALWAYS trigger manic episodes, without fail, and there’s nothing I can bloody do about it.

5am me; incredibly bored, wide awake, with an exhausted body!

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An angry rant

Today had a really nice few hours where we sat in the garden and had such a nice time as a family, but there have been huge periods of time lost due to seizures and seizure rage.

I just woke up from a 2.5 hour nap, because apparently my body is useless atm and needs a 2.5 hour nap every day, and the seizure rage and seizures have returned.

I can’t fucking stand these seizures.

My worst auras result in extreme rage, where I want to harm those I love or at least lash out at them verbally, or where all of a sudden I just feel completely hopeless, depressed and done with everything. How can a seizure immediately switch from me doing fine, to wanting to scream at my partner or kill myself?!

These feelings seem organic to me, even if me and my partner both know they are entirely caused by incoming seizures, it doesn’t help at all because they FEEL real and are inside me.

Another thing I hate is that before, during, or even after some seizures, I feel intensely hungry. It doesn’t matter if I ate a big meal just half an hour ago, I feel STARVING!! This is extremely fucking depressing, because either I eat when I don’t really need to, and obviously this will affect my weight as it happens a few times a day, or I have to try and ignore a hunger so strong it reduces me to frustrated tears.

Again, I know it’s not a ‘real’ hunger, but it doesn’t help in the slightest.

My plan for this blog was to post some beautiful photos of Charley and Sasha in the garden, taken today. But I’m too wound up and frustrated for that, so I’ve moaned and whined instead.

I. hate. seizures -__-

If you made it through this, enjoy a video of Toller deciding she loves red pepper…yesterday she snubbed dog treats, kibble, hot dog and a knuckle bone, but absolutely loved red pepper πŸ™‚