A day of tears

Yesterday was…fun -_-

It was the hardest day of this year so far, easy. Shitty things have been happening anyway and my mh has taken a dive this past week, but more than that was seeing Tolly walk for the first time.

I hadn’t seen her walk since before the accident, and all I’d been told was she was doing ‘great’. I saw her walk inside yesterday and her foot just looks AWFUL.

It’s twisted facing completely the wrong direction, the leg’s at a weird angle…it’s just heartbreaking and I immediately burst into tears. I was crying pretty much non-stop for the rest of the day, I’m talking huge floods of tears and just feeling hopeless.

I literally can’t be around Toller when she’s walking, I get hugely upset and then she gets upset. I need a few days to recover justΒ being with her, because when I see her atm it makes me teary because I remember her foot and think of how she was before and I just cry and cry and cry.

The guilt is tearing me up and then I feel like shit because when I start getting sad she just looks so confused, poor little love.

I have a lovely little ‘feel like shit’ list atm.

  • Toller’s foot
  • Overwhelming guilt for my bf (this started due to the things I say when I’m seizurey, but spred to pretty much everything – it’s at the point now where when we’re cuddling and happy together, I get tearful, guilty and sad)
  • Feeling like / stressing that I don’t want to be with my bf and our relationship has run it’s course (due to overwhelming guilt and seizure rage)
  • Seizures and everything they bring; stress, tiredness, feeling physically illΒ etc
  • HUGE health fears that reduce me to tearsΒ on a daily basis
  • Depressive episode (thus making above points feel even worse) – thanks for choosing now to raise your ugly head, bipolar

This week has been rough in general, but yesterday took the cake.

-sigh- Oh well, here are some photos of little Puddy one enjoying seconds of her dinner yesterday.

Tolly update, crate rest is over!

Keeping it short because I’ve been horribly ill from the moment I got up today.

Toller finally had her vet appt this afternoon and we got the best news ever, crate rest is over!

The vet said that Toller has recovered faster than any of them could have anticipated, and even from her vet appt a few weeks ago Toller has made more progress than expected. The vet said that Toller can now be put on the ground in the house for several minute bursts, then held for a while, and put down again.

Obviously she’s not to run madly or jump on and off furniture, but this will be huge for her πŸ™‚

It goes without saying we are very happy. Can’t wait until I’m well enough to play and interact with her on the floor.


Oh and here is a cute video from yesterday, I think…we discovered she loves the spray bottle!!

Sasha walks so far her legs shrink

No, not really. They’re still as ridiculously long as ever πŸ˜„

But we did do a massive hike!

We walked along the canal, and wow I forgot how busy a sunny weekend made EVERYWHERE. There are a ton of fair weather dog walkers in this area, we can walk year-round every day at all times and go weeks without seeing someone if the weather isn’t good; as soon as the sun comes out you can’t move for other dog walkers, regardless of what day it is!

Despite it being super busy, Sasha did awesome! She greeted a few other dogs (including a tiny extremely excited furball of a puppy that I wanted to pick up and carry home with me!!) and when two separate groups of walkers stopped to chat, standing on opposite sides of the canal path and leaving us with less than 1ft gap to walk between them, she did so with no anxiety at all πŸ™‚




Finally we leave the canal and begin following the lane that will let us join the farmer’s fields, which are always dead.


Sasha’s round a slight bend just enjoying herself, I can see her happily bouncing but not what she’s really looking at, and I call her to me to pop her on lead, as sometimes the field we’re going through has livestock in. She comes instantly, I clip her lead on, and when we continue I see that she’d been looking at sheep about 2ft away behind a metal gate!

So that was very cute! And also a really impressive recall πŸ˜‰

We passed through the first field and then Sasha got to go off lead and stretch her legs again. Field zoomies, yay!

Looking around us at the surrounding fields we couldn’t believe there were even several other dog walkers here!! We drifted from the path in search of wood for our vivariums, which Sasha was obviously very helpful with πŸ˜„




We had a quick rest, enjoyed some drinks, and lay just soaking up the sun for about 15 minutes.



You have no idea how much I love this photo!!

When we were all feeling rejuvinated we collected our sticks and carried on. The views in these fields are amazing, and with a blue sky above them it’s incredible. We decided to walk a little ways extra (if we followed our usual route we’d be on the canal and back in town within 15 minutes, and we wanted to see more of the countryside).

Getting Sasha to sit for this photo was like trying to get blood from a stone. Damn teenager, every time I asked her to sit she would just stand and grin at me πŸ˜„



We finally turned to come back and rejoin the actual route. We’ve walked a few minutes down the path, and all of sudden there’s a gate?! We’ve been doing this walk for years, this has never been here. Ahead of that there’s an even more serious looking metal fence, with huge chains holding it shut.

There’s no other route off this path, we would have to go alllll the way back (adding 40+ minutes onto our journey), so I hop over the wooden fence to go read the signs on the next fence, to see what’s going on.


Oh. Nice. Back we go then πŸ˜„

We repeat the entire loop and, even though I was worried about Sasha getting too tired to make it, make it she did. She was lagging for the last twenty minutes, but we got there!


About ten minutes from home she did a big seizure alert, and sure enough less than five minutes later I had a huge seizure, that left me feeling very out of it. It was annoying being so close to home, but I knew I had to sit and recuperate.

The last 10 minutes took 20, but we got back safe and sound and had a lovely walk overall πŸ™‚

Third good day in a row: day trip!

Well guys, I never thought I’d say this, but we have had THREE good days in a row πŸ˜€

I’ve had more seizures today, but they haven’t hit me as heavily…seizure rage has been short lived and contained, and I’ve recovered from seizures quickly. I think this is due to us increasing the dose of CBD, which is exciting as I really thought it wasn’t working at all. We ordered some new CBD oil today too which is 2% higher so can’t wait for that to arrive!

Anyway, to celebrate so many days where I’m able to function, today we had a day trip!!

(waiting for the bus)

We bussed itΒ for 40 minutes to a river, hopped off, paddled, picknicked, hiked, then made the return journey home. This was the first time I’ve left near-to home in many months, and was Sasha’s longest bus journey to date…smashing all records!!

Sasha was absolutely incredible on the bus! Last time we rode a bus with her we carried her on and off (see I said it was a long time ago!), this time I wanted to see if she’d get on herself even after not experiencing a bus in so long – SHE DID!!!!

Not only that but she walked up the aisle of the bus, with strangers sitting just a few cm from her, and didn’t try sniff or interact with them at all πŸ™‚


She was an angel on the bus, and because nobody acted stoopid and tried to interact with her, she was SO confident in her surroundings πŸ™‚

We hopped off the bus and mozied to the river, then realised our first mistake –Β shimmering sunlight on moving water triggers my seizures.


Because we haven’t gotten out much, we are still not used to these adjustments that need to be remembered.

This was the biggest iffy moment, as because of the ripples I had a seizure and we dealt with some seizure rage.

BUT we did bounce back very quickly, went for a lovely walk and enjoyed the views. We then discovered that sitting on the opposite side meant the water was a lot less triggering as the light wasn’t hitting it the same, and we were able to chill out nearby…I just had to avoid staring πŸ˜„

Omb guys Sasha LOVED this walk!!! She was overjoyed to be somewhere new; bouncing about, sniffing, charging madly at us…it was *awesome*!

Impulse control as a jogger ran past

Oh but so beautiful

This was the ‘bad side’ with the shimmery ripples!

My partner nipped to a tourist castley thing across the road and bought us some awesome picnic foods to share πŸ˜€

After we’d eaten we went for a walk through the beautiful woodland / fields, with Sashie on lead as required!



And guess what?

We saw a herd of deer!!! They were tucked out the way so none of the other walkers we spotted saw them, but there they were, easily over 50! Such beautiful animals and the antlers on some were fantastic!

I wish’d I’d taken my camera so I coulda maybe got some decent photos, but it was so incredible! Can you spot them behind us?

We walked on and just had the nicest time. Even when there was so many things to sniff and explore (and so much poo to eat πŸ˜‰ ) Sasha still alerted to a seizure and wouldn’t leave my side until I was okay ❀

Again Sasha climbed aboard the bus and was so chilled all the way back…look at the cuuuteness!!




So there you go, our celebration of a third good day πŸ™‚

Happy easter

and what not πŸ™‚

I don’t remember what I last posted, so I thought I’d share some beautiful photos from a walk with Kasper the other day.

This walk was actually a HUGE flop.

We had an hour-long hike planned, with Sasha being left at home, but from five minutes after we headed out I had awful ‘seizure rage’. With seizure rage I feel uncontrollably angry even though I have no reason to be, it’s just an emotion that proceeds certain types of seizures I have. But I will be extremely vicious and verbally abusive, and inside I’m hating myself for it and tearful because I don’t want to say these things and I don’t understand the anger.

So 40 minutes of the walk was wasted, 30 with me being angry, then 10 with me having seizures. Thankfully I recovered pretty fast so we were able to enjoy some time walking off lead and having fun πŸ™‚

I took my good camera (wrong walk to take that out on haha!) and managed to get some lovely photos.

This dude is SO MUCH FUN to train, and I love photo shoots with him because he really gets what I want him to do. Plus his impulse control is awesome so stays are no prob πŸ™‚

First thing he did was leap into the river haha, so then of course he had to do his special, incredibly vocal rolling πŸ˜„




Also adore this photo. And this dog ^_^


I was supposed to be getting him a beautiful custom lead for his birthday next month, but I’m kinda leaning towards the idea of getting him a collar in the pattern instead. His EzyDog collar has always been huge and only worn for aesthetics, and I do love buying collars for him πŸ™‚


Spring sure has sprung!

My Spudder puppy.


I wish I could feel more comfortable interacting with her. Atm I’m just so scared she will flail too much in excitement and re-injure her leg, or that I’ll drop her if holding her etc. The fact that her foot is so obviously wonky doesn’t help, as it’s all I see when I look at her 😦

And finally, me and my partner discovered a hobby we had never heard of and wanted to try: needle felting!!

Here are our creations so far. My partner made the brilliant yelling face, and I made the other two πŸ™‚

The process:

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Happy Easter / Sunday everyone πŸ™‚


Another day of sunshine

Enjoyed a walk with Kasper and Sasha yesterday, with not one but TWO seizure alerts from Sasha πŸ™‚

She really is doing phenomenally with alerts atm, and also alerted almost FIVE MINUTES before a seizure in the house yesterday…I felt really off at the time so assumed she was alerting to that or maybe a little seizure, then about 4.5 minutes after her initial alert I had a huge seizure out of nowhere!

Also Kasper, the world’s grumpiest dog, is super lenient with Sasha.

Idk where this came from, because he never used to be, and he has NEVER accepted some of the things he lets Sasha do from other dogs, not even Zoey, and Sasha is waaay past her ‘puppy license’ now at 8 months old and twice the size of Kasper…

But whatever the reason he lets her barge over to things he’s sniffing without telling her to bugger off, and he takes treats with zero anxiety even if his face is right next to hers. Even if she moves towards his treat. It’s actually pretty rare for him to snark at her, which for Kasper is a miracle!

And of course Sasha thinks he’s the best big bro ever πŸ™‚


No that’s fine Sasha, you stop to sniff this rock in a field with the horse that charges people and bit me a few years ago πŸ˜„

Thankfully it seems much better behaved since they built it a stable, and now spends most it’s time in there even as people walk through.


Kasper is an insane water dog (as long as it’s not in the paddling pool I got him for his 5th birthday, which he tolerates but doesn’t really like πŸ˜„ ) whereas Sasha completely missed the memo that Poodles are supposed to be water dogs, and thinks her brother’s insane when he dives in water!!

Cows with the sea behind them. Very different from manatees, which are true sea cows πŸ˜„


And to show quite how much bigger Sasha is than Kasper!


We are fostering Charley searching for a permanent home for him – preferably one where there are no other pets, a huge garden, and someone with experience of Collies(/crosses) and PR training.

Whilst he fit in very well until Toller’s accident, there is no way we can keep everyone happy whilst keeping Toller separate from everyone, Charley separate from Kasper, and without walking Charley. I just can’t do it. I’ve tried and tried, and I can’t.

I’m by no means giving up on my dream of a new family member, I just have new requirements.

The dog MUST be a small dog – not only does this decrease danger of Tolly being re-injured, but the vet has said she won’t be able to roughhouse with a bigger dog, and it would be nice for her to have a playmate…otherwise the only interaction she’s gonna get is sniffing Sasha’s face.

Something with enough energy for big hikes is needed, a bit of carrying is fine, but breeds such as Frenchies are obviously out!!Β And a breed without an overly sensitive temperament. Terriers are a good fit for us.

I’m also not looking at rescue dogs, or at least not rescue dogs older than 10-12 weeks. As rescue centres won’t adopt dogs to us (due to not working, having a decent garden, or 6ft fencing) we have to rely on rehoming from the owners, and THEY JUST LIE!! This results in us having a dog that is not at all acceptable for our family, and it isn’t fair on the dog, our dogs, or us.

I’m happy with anything Terriery. I’m not sure if a Border would be too sad, so I’m looking more at JRT, because I have a lot of experience with them and love their spunky energy and the fact they’re not sensitive at all. We also need a female puppy, because Kasper accepts any female puppy.

I’d love a puppy sometime this summer / autumn for socialisation reasons, but will wait for the right breeder.

If I get any hate for any of this, comments will deleted and blocked. If you don’t agree with breeder pups, unfollow me. My life, my decisions.

All the dog walks!

Took Sasha on a HUGE hike yesterday, to a route she’d never been to before.

Then we took Kasper for a walk up through town, and today the girls had aΒ massive hike in all sorts of places.

Toller is a completely changed dog to the one before crate rest, and it’s soul destroying…it honestly breaks my heart. I know she will cheer up a lot once crate rest is over, but she’ll never be the dog she once was / could have been…we missed too much when she was so young, and it’s nobody’s fault, it’s just really sad 😦

I’m trying so hard to do things that interest her or make her happy, and I’m just getting more and more depressed at seeing what a broken little dog she is *sigh*


Sasha’s huge hike yesterday.

A pheasant flew squawking across this field, so Sasha took off after it, incredulous. Here you can see her checking in and leaving when asked.

My partner went into a shop so me and Kasper went and sat in the town square. I can’t go into any shops as the lights trigger seizures within minutes. That basically means wherever we go we might as well take one of our dogs, as then I have company waiting outside!!

With no prompting at all, and with zero excitement, Kasper settled between my feet as we waited at the square, and just watched the world go by. I was so proud πŸ˜€

I wish I could be so happy out in the world!


And with the girls today we walked through town, along the canal, through the farm fields, and back down through town. It was a huge walk, we were out almost two hours, and the girls got to observe lots of people, dogs, kids etc.

Sasha got to say hi to a dog, and Spudder got to say hi to a person. Toller was at least engaged and interested in what was going on around her, if not happy.

That coat was Pixie’s and is huge on Tolly haha! I’m missing Pixie an incredible amount at the moment, it’s like a gaping hole inside me. I think it’s come on so strong because I’m missing Tolly so much too *sigh*


We also put Toller down on some grass for about 10 seconds!

Seeing as the vet has said we can start putting her down for small bursts of time in the house, we figured on a walk made sense as a toilet break and would be more interesting. My heart broke for her!

Also, this face ❀


I’ve had a bad few days for seizures. Last night we had a friend round to watch a live event on TV, and had been looking forward to it for weeks…within half an hour I started having seizures and feeling awful, and had to just go hide in a dark room with Kasper for several hours *sigh*

Then today, we have new next door neighbours, and I was having a seizure right outside the front of our house, with Sasha’s lead in my hands. My partner had Tolly, so he came and got Sasha and took them both inside and behind a barrier, but couldn’t do much to help me so I was just sat blanked out on the wall whilst our neighbours walked within two feet of me and probably thought I was such a rude knob 😦