A day of tears

Yesterday was…fun -_-

It was the hardest day of this year so far, easy. Shitty things have been happening anyway and my mh has taken a dive this past week, but more than that was seeing Tolly walk for the first time.

I hadn’t seen her walk since before the accident, and all I’d been told was she was doing ‘great’. I saw her walk inside yesterday and her foot just looks AWFUL.

It’s twisted facing completely the wrong direction, the leg’s at a weird angle…it’s just heartbreaking and I immediately burst into tears. I was crying pretty much non-stop for the rest of the day, I’m talking huge floods of tears and just feeling hopeless.

I literally can’t be around Toller when she’s walking, I get hugely upset and then she gets upset. I need a few days to recover just being with her, because when I see her atm it makes me teary because I remember her foot and think of how she was before and I just cry and cry and cry.

The guilt is tearing me up and then I feel like shit because when I start getting sad she just looks so confused, poor little love.

I have a lovely little ‘feel like shit’ list atm.

  • Toller’s foot
  • Overwhelming guilt for my bf (this started due to the things I say when I’m seizurey, but spred to pretty much everything – it’s at the point now where when we’re cuddling and happy together, I get tearful, guilty and sad)
  • Feeling like / stressing that I don’t want to be with my bf and our relationship has run it’s course (due to overwhelming guilt and seizure rage)
  • Seizures and everything they bring; stress, tiredness, feeling physically ill etc
  • HUGE health fears that reduce me to tears on a daily basis
  • Depressive episode (thus making above points feel even worse) – thanks for choosing now to raise your ugly head, bipolar

This week has been rough in general, but yesterday took the cake.

-sigh- Oh well, here are some photos of little Puddy one enjoying seconds of her dinner yesterday.

I have no spoons

Today has been such an effort.

All my body is breaking atm. I’m exhausted from living, and I’m barely living!

My seizures are off the charts and IDK why…is this CBD even worse than all the others? Is it the lighting, all the grey days and the brightness of impending summer? Why why whhhhyyyyy?

Bipolar seems to have reared it’s ugly head and for the first time in forever I feel like I’m having a legit mood episode (depression) instead of the anger / mania / despair being entirely tied into seizures.

Neck pain and migraine to boot…yay life!

Today I woke feeling very tired and very low. We took Sasha for a walk not long after I woke up, and it was pretty nice. We did some good training and found a large tunnel washed up that we brought home and are planning on using for some of the pets.

I got tired. I had a nap and woke up with a crippling migraine. Took some pain pills, now lost in a seizure cluster and feeling entirely hopeless. My sadness has amped up and I just want to cry and give up.

My mental health has been improving so much recently, and I feel like I’ve lost all that ground we’d gained.

I feel like I have zero purpose, like I have nothing to look forward to and my life has zero meaning.

I can’t volunteer anymore, I can’t even go on days out anymore because the outdoor lighting fucks with my head and causes seizures. I’m stuck indoors and have to have all the curtains shut and I can’t even read, have fun with photography / editing, or play games without triggering seizures…I feel like everything I loved to do has been taken from me 😦

I’m honestly so…done.

I feel like I have nothing. And I know I have so much to be thankful for, really I do…I’m just having a pity party and where else can I talk about it if not my blog?

I’m just gonna sit here and cry. It’s all good. *sigh*

[/pity party]

I’ll get my arse into gear soon. I just needed a vent.

 

 

 

I feel done

The Dr’s appt was truly awful.

The Dr came in and she asked what my seizures were like from my POV. I said my vision locks, my eyes can’t focus, I can’t move, respond, etc. I didn’t have time to tell her about auras, or what happens after, nothing. She said they didn’t sound like typical seizures and were most likely dissociation.

This is why a) my seizures have gone unnoticed for so long, because when I was having them irregularly we were just told “oh that’s just dissociation”, and b) why I haven’t tried to get help sooner because I knew this would happen!!

I told the Dr I had a short video of me during a seizure and had written out some information regarding them (triggers, symptoms before, during and after etc) but she wasn’t interested.

She then wanted to start talking about my mental health insinuating I must be doing really badly due to the home visit, and saying I needed to start seeing the MH team again…no, no, no!

My MH is the best it’s been in about 8 years, the only reason I need a home visit is because professionals have screwed me over so many times and I know if I go to appts (and have regular appts) my mood swings will be back in full, and I’ll be psychotic and suicidal. So no!!

She did a very quick physical check of my eyes and moving my head, told me I’d have to go to the surgery for a blood test, and continued talking about MH stuff. I started crying. I sobbed that it was appts that had pushed me to the point I was at previously, and I couldn’t manage them…I was crying and trembling and I HATED that I was doing it in front of her.

Anyway at this point the Dr somewhat randomly decided to ask to see the video, and after watching it said something like “It must have been hard or you to describe what these seizures look like so I could get an actual idea of them”, and then after that referred to me as having seizures…like, what?

As ever the NHS Dr had no concept of mental health problems or how much of an impact my moods / psychosis have on my life, or how much a bloody home visit would unbalance me. She was very dismissive about the seizures up until the very end when she watched the clip, and was not impressed with us for having a home visit at all.

It seems with any proffessional (GPs, social workers, psychiatrists etc) they won’t ever believe how badly you are doing or how strongly small things affect you unless they can see it – I can tell them I feel depressed or suicidal until the cows come home, but it’s not until they see me sobbing that they go ‘oh you’re not doing very well’.

Her plan was to have me go in for a blood test asap, and put me on a waiting list for a neurologist which would be 12+ months wait. But considering how awful this appt was and the fact she said numerous times my seizures will not be harming my brain and are not signs of a tumour, I think we’ll just keep trying CBD oil and stay away from appts.

On top of that we have had 90% of our income stopped because the department ‘thought’ we were receiving universal credit (which we are not) and now one is refusing to start up payment  because I am not well enough for a home visit, and the other can’t start up until the first does…so we have basically no income, which is another huge stress.

My partner has been absolutely amazing with everything today, from sorting benefits ringing several times and not putting up with them trying to fob him off, to helping during the home visit and comforting me after. Sasha has also not left my side. And all I’ve done is yelled at my partner because I’ve been freaking out…oh dear, happy valentine’s!! >__<

Today has been very mentally draining. I feel hopeless, suicidal and just awful. Time to relax and regroup, and keep doing things our way.

Any comments telling me I should go to further appts will be deleted, not needed right now thank you 🙂

Fighting to be happy(er)

Yesterday was an incredibly awful day.

We had to say goodbye to one of our dogs. He had been diagnosed with stomach cancer for a number of weeks, and had been poorly since before Christmas. His time had come and he was starting to suffer, with happy moments few and far between.

This is the last photo I took where you can’t really tell he was poorly…

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I don’t want to talk about it. We knew it was coming for several weeks and were constantly preparing ourselves, but nothing can really help you be ready and I didn’t even get to say a proper goodbye because on the way to the vets I started having seizures and couldn’t go!

He will be hugely missed. That little dog left a huge hole. We entirely spoilt him for the last month of his life and he lived off Lily’s Kitchen food, Fish4Dogs treats, Zooplus chews and all sorts…he’d lost not far off half his body weight by the end but even being so poorly he was excited to greet vet staff.

RIP baby boy, we love you so much ❤

Also yesterday, on a walk with Sasha and Tolly, Sasha ran full speed through a gap/style in a stone wall, and just started screaming. Oh, we thought we’d broken her leg and my heart sank!

I rushed over to her and just held her. I held her up, then kissed her head and just repeated “It’s okay, it’s okay, you’re okay, it’s okay”…she’d stopped after about a minute, and when I assessed her leg she was fine with me moving it and touching it.

We were 30 minutes from home which was a nightmare but thanks to a lucky bus timing we managed to get back. We tied her to the armchair and could already tell she was doing well, but still spoke with our vet. They said she would only need to go in if she was limping or showing lameness.

It was a truly terrifying experience and stressed me out about Raiden too, because it was all happening on the same day.

Sasha has healed really well, and although we’ve had a day of zero exercise and restricting movement indoors, there’s been zero signs of limping.

So.

I’m trying so hard to fight off mood episodes. Stress, loss and emergencies are all HUGE triggers for depressive episodes, so it’s very much inevitable, but I’m trying to minimize it by finding stuff that I enjoy.

I’m going to start scrapbooking, I’m writing a little again, I’m getting back into card making and soap carving. I’m fighting hard. I’m trying to do activities I enjoy and not do enough to make me anxious or feel overwhelmed…my awesome partner is happy to pick up the slack if I need a day or two off feeding and cleaning the pets.

Something else exciting, we had our first quail egg today!

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It’s such a tiny egg 🙂

I’ve also bought an incubator in, so we can try hatch them!

I’ve only hatched poultry once, and that was about 9 years ago. We had 14 eggs and hatched 5 chickens; 4 boys and 1 girl!! I’ve never hatched quail, so I’m cracking down and doing my research. Incubator arrives on the 6th Feb, by which time we’ll hopefully have 6 eggs to pop in!

Of course it depends on if they are fertile or not, and I’d expect a 50-60% hatch rate even if all the eggs are fertile (heard the phrase don’t count your chickens…?!) but it would be cute and a fun experience 🙂

Update done.

Sadness

Depression takes the happiness out of everything.

We saw the New Year in with me curled up in my partner’s arms crying. We only knew it was New Year when family rang. The happiest moments of days leave me feeling worse afterwards, because I know that where I should be living on a high, I just feel…nothing. Or despair.

I’ve been living with major depression since I was ten years old. I’m tired of it now, I really am.

I constantly imagine if I’d successfully killed myself at 16 (probably the the time where I attempted it most), I could have saved myself 11 years of grief. That’s a very sad thought.

Oh I am so cheerful, Happy New Year everyone 😄

Yesterday Tolly had her first walk where she went down on the ground. It was only for a few minutes, but she LOVED it!! It was kinda hilarious watching her spring about madly and ricochet off my wellies!

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It left me feeling worse afterwards, because I knew that where I should have had a really fun and cute time, and this should be a memory I treasure forever, it was soiled by low mood. It infiltrates everything.

If playing with cute puppies or cuddling with my partner doesn’t cheer me up, nothing can. It’s lonely.

It was *incredibly* hard to walk with Toller 😄

Not only was she bouncing off my wellies, but she spent a lot of time walking / running between or around my feet. I had to walk scraping my feet along the floor so I wouldn’t accidentally stand on her!!

firstwalk1

Did I tell you how much Toller weighed?

I can’t remember so I’ll just tell you again!

So at 9 weeks old she weighed 1.25kg (my partner got it wrong and originally told me it was 1.5kg)
And at 12.5 weeks she weighs 1.95kg

Omg she doesn’t weigh 2kg yet 😄 I used a puppy-adult weight prediction calculator, and it’s now settled at 3.6kg!!

To put this into perspective, Pixie (Chihuahua x Dachshund) weighed 5.3kg full grown, and Raiden weighed 3.6kg at 14 weeks old. Omb she is going to be SO SMALL!

We work on obedience whilst I sort a few of the mice…plus she just looks insanely cute on the shelves 😄

New Years Eve photo shoot happened!

nye2

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My beautiful little family

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We used to call these toys her littermates, because they were almost the same size as her…she’s groooown!!

13weeksold4

Sasha laughs. They were never her littermates.

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Somehow Tolly still fits under the drawers, where the tiny juice bottles live.

My Poodle is a donkey.

And working on our between and focus trick 🙂

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And a lot of Spoonies were making charts using these, so I joined in 🙂

A huge ‘ugh’ day

I’m having a mixed episode and some days of bad seizures. It’s a terrible combination.

Bipolar mixed episodes are symptoms of both mania and depression. For me this involves not sleeping at all, not being able to concentrate, combined with extremely intense depression.

That plus two dozen seizures a day is…exhausting. And on top of that I am filled with a self-hatred so poisonous that I spend hours crying, because I’m being awful to my partner and he doesn’t deserve it and I despise myself.

Fun times!!!

My partner sat me down today and very calmly and concisely said that I can’t beat myself up for verbally lashing out, because a) I have a lot on my plate (not an adequate excuse at all to me) but b) 95% of the time when I do say hurtful things, I have a ‘seizure head’, and it’s the seizure dishing out the rage and the meanies.

And I literally can’t control seizure words. You should see me after seizures, I yelled at my partner once “YOU’RE NOT GOING SNOW BOARDING!!”…we have never been, nor do we want to go, snow boarding 😄

Anyway, I felt a lot better after that. I have these constant hateful thoughts in my head because I’m such an awful person…quite reassuring to be told much of it is the result of seizures.

I don’t think I’m making sense. Shut up me, just post photos of dogs 😄

Today we had a walk to the canal with Sasha, and she said hello to a family of three dogs: a grumpy old Lhasa, a cute vocal Staffy, and a Shar Pei x BC puppy that was the same age as her!!

It was literally half her size haha, but they had a whale of a time racing up and down the canal path playing. NOTHING makes me feel better than happy bum-wiggling puppy play bows, it really was lovely to watch and Sasha was incredibly polite 🙂

Oh also, before she actually got to say hi to them, she was running ahead up to them, and I recalled her. She’s just 20 weeks old remember and three dogs are hugely exciting, yet she turned and came back immediately!

Heeling on the way back

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Training

I had some seizures too. First I told my partner one was incoming. I dropped Sasha’s lead when it hit, and she stayed nearby as she has been trained to, and my partner picked it up. If I was on my own with her, I’d have obviously clipped it to my belt.

Furhter on I had to sit down right by the main road, which was a bit stoopid, but thankfully I was too out of it to be that embarrassed 😄

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My partner took Tolly to the vets for her appt today (final vaccination and microchip) and the surgery was shut!!!

It seems they forgot they were closed on the day they gave us an appt! We were both annoyed as he’d left me at home for 40 minutes to take Tolly there, and not only was today a high seizure day, but I was struggling and didn’t feel particularly safe either. We made it through though, but annoying it’ll have to be done again :/

Doesn’t her face look grown up here?! 🙂

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Still so tiny hahaha!

We got an amazon prime delivery today, and their OTT packaging (which normally really annoys us!) came in useful as a free dog toy 😀

Puppers loved it 😄

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“My sister’s under here – don’t worry mum, I’ll rescue her!”

Footage from a very windy walk a few days ago. Toller makes an appearance at the end, and there’s some wonderful slo-mo puddle splashing too!

And, I leave you with baby mice and Poodle pics! The shiny brown boy is really showing the satin ^__^

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Sensitive talk, trigger warning

My partner sat me down today and said that unless we do something he doesn’t think I will be alive this time next year.

I said I agreed with him.

I’ve cried so much today.

Then tonight we met with a trainer who has a lot of experience with assistance dogs, and they assessed Pixie. They said they could see she’d come a long way, that she has a lot of potential, and we could probably get her to the stage of being good with everything we needed over time…but that she probably couldn’t be registered because of her previous extreme fear and her nervousness now.

So.

My partner’s contacting breeders with pups ready to go soon. He wants a pup I can work asap, because getting out and training has been the only thing keeping me going. I can see that. I’m looking forward to the training classes and the socialisation and the effort that will go into it.

I contacted my parents tonight and asked for some money they’ve owed me for years, because otherwise there’s no way we can get a puppy. It was after a shit day and after a huge seizure. I cried down the phone a lot. I HATE crying in front of anyone apart from my partner, but I especially detest crying in front of my parents.

They’re going to get in touch later. Not looking forward to it, I’m so emotionally drained and I feel cold, tired, have a headache…that means a seizure’s coming and probably a biggie. Uuuugh 😦

No hate please about any of this. I’m grasping at straws here. I want to live even if my mind wants me to die.