I did art! Could you vote?

Hey all!

I entered an art competition (for the first time in my life!!), it’s aimed at people with mental health issues. It was a ‘draw your demons’ competition, and I drew how my psychosis feels.

If anybody would like to vote, or just see my picture, click this link —> Demon of Psychosis

All votes are appreciated, thank you!

A day of tears

Yesterday was…fun -_-

It was the hardest day of this year so far, easy. Shitty things have been happening anyway and my mh has taken a dive this past week, but more than that was seeing Tolly walk for the first time.

I hadn’t seen her walk since before the accident, and all I’d been told was she was doing ‘great’. I saw her walk inside yesterday and her foot just looks AWFUL.

It’s twisted facing completely the wrong direction, the leg’s at a weird angle…it’s just heartbreaking and I immediately burst into tears. I was crying pretty much non-stop for the rest of the day, I’m talking huge floods of tears and just feeling hopeless.

I literally can’t be around Toller when she’s walking, I get hugely upset and then she gets upset. I need a few days to recover just being with her, because when I see her atm it makes me teary because I remember her foot and think of how she was before and I just cry and cry and cry.

The guilt is tearing me up and then I feel like shit because when I start getting sad she just looks so confused, poor little love.

I have a lovely little ‘feel like shit’ list atm.

  • Toller’s foot
  • Overwhelming guilt for my bf (this started due to the things I say when I’m seizurey, but spred to pretty much everything – it’s at the point now where when we’re cuddling and happy together, I get tearful, guilty and sad)
  • Feeling like / stressing that I don’t want to be with my bf and our relationship has run it’s course (due to overwhelming guilt and seizure rage)
  • Seizures and everything they bring; stress, tiredness, feeling physically ill etc
  • HUGE health fears that reduce me to tears on a daily basis
  • Depressive episode (thus making above points feel even worse) – thanks for choosing now to raise your ugly head, bipolar

This week has been rough in general, but yesterday took the cake.

-sigh- Oh well, here are some photos of little Puddy one enjoying seconds of her dinner yesterday.

A huge fun sunny hike!

**quick update**

Kasper stays. There’s no way we can rehome him, so we’re just going to have to find a routine that keeps everyone stimulated, tired and happy, whilst keeping Kasper separate from Tolly and Charley, and Toller separate from everyone XD

But I’m sure we can do it. We just need to adjust.

**/update**

Had a perfect walk with Sasha yesterday 🙂

Also I’m considering suspending her out-the-house training, and focusing on at-home tasks for now. I’m too ill to train her outside the house, and it’s making me despair and really beat myself up. Going out purely to train her with the world, then getting seizures and crying because I’ve let her down and I’m never going to be able to manage it is stupid, especially when I actually don’t go ANYWHERE that Sasha couldn’t come as a pet.

So we’ll continue to improve tasks at home, but outdoors intense training will take a huge step back. I think we’ll both appreciate this! The tasks she performs at home are (these are tasks she already knows, not ones I want her to learn!):

  • Seizure alert
  • Seizure response (lying down in front of me so I can fall onto her)
  • Stim interruption
  • Panic alert
  • Interrupting when I’m accidentally finger twiddling, which often results in dislocations (this is caused by panic, psychosis, or even happens in some seizures!)

Yesterday we had our first official ‘no longer having to worry about training walk’, and it was GREAT because I had some seizures, and I didn’t have to feel like I’d ruined anything 🙂

It made a huge bloody difference and was honestly one of our happiest walks!

bighike

I think this is my favourite photo of me ever!

bighike4

Sasha was having SUCH A GOOD TIME zooming and splashing in the puddles, it was adorable! This video is possibly the best thing since sliced bread 🙂

Someone got ever so slightly muddy XD

bighike10

bighike12

And this is a perfect example of the goal with loose lead walking; the lead sits in a lovely ‘J’ shape (or reverse, whatever!)

bighike13

And I seem to be entering a more extreme hypomanic / leading-to-manic episode.

I’ve had a week battling insomnia and getting little sleep every night, well last night 5am came and went and I was still wide awake. It was then me and my partner both realised that it was the approach of summer causing this; lighter days ALWAYS trigger manic episodes, without fail, and there’s nothing I can bloody do about it.

5am me; incredibly bored, wide awake, with an exhausted body!

hypomanic

I have no spoons

Today has been such an effort.

All my body is breaking atm. I’m exhausted from living, and I’m barely living!

My seizures are off the charts and IDK why…is this CBD even worse than all the others? Is it the lighting, all the grey days and the brightness of impending summer? Why why whhhhyyyyy?

Bipolar seems to have reared it’s ugly head and for the first time in forever I feel like I’m having a legit mood episode (depression) instead of the anger / mania / despair being entirely tied into seizures.

Neck pain and migraine to boot…yay life!

Today I woke feeling very tired and very low. We took Sasha for a walk not long after I woke up, and it was pretty nice. We did some good training and found a large tunnel washed up that we brought home and are planning on using for some of the pets.

I got tired. I had a nap and woke up with a crippling migraine. Took some pain pills, now lost in a seizure cluster and feeling entirely hopeless. My sadness has amped up and I just want to cry and give up.

My mental health has been improving so much recently, and I feel like I’ve lost all that ground we’d gained.

I feel like I have zero purpose, like I have nothing to look forward to and my life has zero meaning.

I can’t volunteer anymore, I can’t even go on days out anymore because the outdoor lighting fucks with my head and causes seizures. I’m stuck indoors and have to have all the curtains shut and I can’t even read, have fun with photography / editing, or play games without triggering seizures…I feel like everything I loved to do has been taken from me 😦

I’m honestly so…done.

I feel like I have nothing. And I know I have so much to be thankful for, really I do…I’m just having a pity party and where else can I talk about it if not my blog?

I’m just gonna sit here and cry. It’s all good. *sigh*

[/pity party]

I’ll get my arse into gear soon. I just needed a vent.

 

 

 

Thinking aloud

I might have Sasha as an at-home assistance and seizure alert dog, at least for now.

My bond / connection is so low with Sasha. She is just not a ‘me’ dog at all. It makes me so sad because we spend almost every minute of every day together, but I just don’t click with her.

Sasha is an extremely docile dog. She is chilled to the point where she’d rather sleep than train or play. She’s uber calm, very rarely gets excited about anything, and tolerates rather than enjoys training…that is not a dog for me XD

I like crazy dogs.

I like dogs that bounce of the walls, bond closely to their owner/s (which Sasha doesn’t), need long hikes daily, are super intense and thrive on training, and are hella energetic. I like my dogs wild haha.

Training with a dog who thinks it’s “eh, okay I guess…” isn’t particularly enjoyable, especially when you had hopes for that dog to be an assistance dog and so need to train a lot of the time.

We’re going to really amp up her being left. She can do 20 minutes now, but I’m kinda tired of her holding me back so I want to work it up to her being left for at least 90 minutes by next Monday. I so desperately want to get out in the world again, I want to take Tolly on big hikes, I want to walk around town and spend hours sat in a field and just not worry about Sasha getting overwhelmed.

Oh, last night Toller SUCKED in her crate too!

She was doing her howly-singing in the damn porch and woke me up! I’ve gone back to old CBD oil which apparently gives me the worst headaches ever, so could really have done with sleep last night. The problem is even if she only whines 15 minutes, I’m screwed because she wakes me up and I can’t get back to sleep!

She had SO MUCH stimulation yesterday too, she went on a massive hike all the way through town and along the canal, and was down almost the entire time. The walk was 1 hour and 40 minutes long, so how she had the energy to complain at night IDK.

AND to top that off, benefits stopped our payment recently without telling us for a completely stupid reason, and as a result we have no money. Zilch.

It’s a long story, but as short as possible – out the blue they wanted me to attend an assessment, which in 6 years of claiming this particular benefit they have never done before, and only wanted to do because they made a mistake on their end with a change of address form!! When my partner said I was too ill, they asked for a Dr’s note saying I couldn’t attend an assessment and couldn’t manage a home visit. The receptionist at the GP surgery said we’d need to write in with exactly what we wanted the GP to write, but then they forget about the letter and rushed it out several weeks later when we were constantly ringing to remind them. He ended up writing the wrong thing and said I needed a home visit but was too unwell for an assessment.

My partner phoned the benefits line and told them what had happened and that the letter was wrong; they said send it in anyway as it was the only evidence we had. Now they are saying that I have to have a home visit because the GP note note said I could handle that, and they then suspended our payment without telling us. Now they are making us beg for an appeal, which means it’s going to be at least a month until we get any money, AND they are insisting on a home visit.

In the meantime another benefit has stopped as it can’t pay us until the first one does. Oh good…

So we have absolutely no money. We bought a bag of kibble in whilst we still have enough money to do so, which means the pups are set for a good while. We had to get cheap crap, but I spent hours researching what the best ‘cheap’ food is. We’re most likely going to have to use a food bank within the next few weeks for us.

Next, today my partner has to go out for several hours (to sort benefit stuff, as they refused to make it easier on him) and couldn’t find anybody to watch me. We’re both hugely stressed about me having a seizure and either getting injured or not being present when the dogs do something they shouldn’t >__<

And finally, on a minor note, I’m also lost as to what to do with CBD oil. The 3% did help a little and we were planning to buy that company’s 6% (very expensive!), but if that gives me headaches it’s a waste of money. The 25% worked from the new company we just tried, but that costs £120 for a 10ml bottle, so no. I could try a totally new company and ask for a sample, but let’s be honest it probably wouldn’t work!

All in all we’re both so incredibly stressed about everything and life is horrible haha. But I have my partner, and that is the most important thing.

I should have just called this post ‘ALL THE RANTS’ 😉

I feel done

The Dr’s appt was truly awful.

The Dr came in and she asked what my seizures were like from my POV. I said my vision locks, my eyes can’t focus, I can’t move, respond, etc. I didn’t have time to tell her about auras, or what happens after, nothing. She said they didn’t sound like typical seizures and were most likely dissociation.

This is why a) my seizures have gone unnoticed for so long, because when I was having them irregularly we were just told “oh that’s just dissociation”, and b) why I haven’t tried to get help sooner because I knew this would happen!!

I told the Dr I had a short video of me during a seizure and had written out some information regarding them (triggers, symptoms before, during and after etc) but she wasn’t interested.

She then wanted to start talking about my mental health insinuating I must be doing really badly due to the home visit, and saying I needed to start seeing the MH team again…no, no, no!

My MH is the best it’s been in about 8 years, the only reason I need a home visit is because professionals have screwed me over so many times and I know if I go to appts (and have regular appts) my mood swings will be back in full, and I’ll be psychotic and suicidal. So no!!

She did a very quick physical check of my eyes and moving my head, told me I’d have to go to the surgery for a blood test, and continued talking about MH stuff. I started crying. I sobbed that it was appts that had pushed me to the point I was at previously, and I couldn’t manage them…I was crying and trembling and I HATED that I was doing it in front of her.

Anyway at this point the Dr somewhat randomly decided to ask to see the video, and after watching it said something like “It must have been hard or you to describe what these seizures look like so I could get an actual idea of them”, and then after that referred to me as having seizures…like, what?

As ever the NHS Dr had no concept of mental health problems or how much of an impact my moods / psychosis have on my life, or how much a bloody home visit would unbalance me. She was very dismissive about the seizures up until the very end when she watched the clip, and was not impressed with us for having a home visit at all.

It seems with any proffessional (GPs, social workers, psychiatrists etc) they won’t ever believe how badly you are doing or how strongly small things affect you unless they can see it – I can tell them I feel depressed or suicidal until the cows come home, but it’s not until they see me sobbing that they go ‘oh you’re not doing very well’.

Her plan was to have me go in for a blood test asap, and put me on a waiting list for a neurologist which would be 12+ months wait. But considering how awful this appt was and the fact she said numerous times my seizures will not be harming my brain and are not signs of a tumour, I think we’ll just keep trying CBD oil and stay away from appts.

On top of that we have had 90% of our income stopped because the department ‘thought’ we were receiving universal credit (which we are not) and now one is refusing to start up payment  because I am not well enough for a home visit, and the other can’t start up until the first does…so we have basically no income, which is another huge stress.

My partner has been absolutely amazing with everything today, from sorting benefits ringing several times and not putting up with them trying to fob him off, to helping during the home visit and comforting me after. Sasha has also not left my side. And all I’ve done is yelled at my partner because I’ve been freaking out…oh dear, happy valentine’s!! >__<

Today has been very mentally draining. I feel hopeless, suicidal and just awful. Time to relax and regroup, and keep doing things our way.

Any comments telling me I should go to further appts will be deleted, not needed right now thank you 🙂

When the shit keeps on coming

What crap days man.

Yesterday I found out my Grandad had had a stroke. Obviously, very much NOT good…

If it wasn’t for my partner and dogs I know I wouldn’t be functioning at all right now. As it is they’ve managed to put multiple smiles on my face every single day, no matter how low my mood is or how many seizures I have. It’s day 3 of the CBD oil, I’m already on double the starting dose just crossing every body part that it works!

We had a fun training walk with Sasha tonight. Started with some off lead time in the nearby field, and I put her in a sit stay as I ran backwards away from her – guess who didn’t even think about moving? 🙂

We walked through town using a hands free lead and her heeling was awesome, then trained in the supermarket car park as my partner ran in for a few things. It was a Friday evening so HEAVING – kids running, drunks yelling, trolleys, cars, a motorbike going round us in circles…Sasha was extremely distracted but not too fearful, and I had fun running drills with her.

Once my partner had rejoined us we were walking towards the exit and I was working on stops, sits and directional cues, and a couple called outta their car how well she was doing and how well trained she was!!

I was like “Whut? Really?!” but it was so nice and made me real happy haha! Whoever you are, thank you for that XD

Toller has been hilarious today. That dog is whip-smart, and has been especially loving with her mummy today also. Stupid little fluff ball ❤

She’s growing into such a damn cute dog though!! The girls had fun playing this evening and going crazy…we had to separate them eventually because they don’t know when to quit, and they were both panting like mad!

At meal time I worked on Sasha with not only long distance stays but stays with distractions too. One was a sit stay as I ran around the room, and the other was a down stay as I gave Kasper his food. She’s doing great 🙂

We’re also talking dog stuff, but I don’t wanna go into that yet as yes we are crazy and just trying to work everything out…we’re both really up for it, just need to make sure it’s the right thing to do blah blah blah…I have a ‘life is short, live in the now’ mentality atm (which is hugely appreciated as normally I am so busy crying over what might be in the future that I’m too upset to enjoy the now!).

We looked at adopting, and I even contacted a rescue hours away about a young dog in a wheelchair. They don’t want to place him in a home with other dogs, especially big dogs, which I *completely* understand…so after talking about stuff my partner asked why don’t I get my dream dog, which has always been a Border Collie. So we are looking into it, alongside checking out rescue dogs.

I feel so scared because this is something I’ve wanted so long, and it would most likely be a puppy which means three puppies…but we’ll see. I know we can handle it and the drive and intelligence of a Collie seriously excites me…Sasha is absolutely gorgeous but she’s way chilled, and I’m a ‘off the walls dog’ kinda person too…but I feel guilty because it’s so soon after, y’know…

And before I get ‘adopt don’t shop’ comments, you’re entitled to your own opinion but I’m not an either or person. If I want to adopt a dog I will (and I have, two of my three are rescues), but if I want to go the breeder route I’ll be doing that too 😉