I did art! Could you vote?

Hey all!

I entered an art competition (for the first time in my life!!), it’s aimed at people with mental health issues. It was a ‘draw your demons’ competition, and I drew how my psychosis feels.

If anybody would like to vote, or just see my picture, click this link —> Demon of Psychosis

All votes are appreciated, thank you!

A day of tears

Yesterday was…fun -_-

It was the hardest day of this year so far, easy. Shitty things have been happening anyway and my mh has taken a dive this past week, but more than that was seeing Tolly walk for the first time.

I hadn’t seen her walk since before the accident, and all I’d been told was she was doing ‘great’. I saw her walk inside yesterday and her foot just looks AWFUL.

It’s twisted facing completely the wrong direction, the leg’s at a weird angle…it’s just heartbreaking and I immediately burst into tears. I was crying pretty much non-stop for the rest of the day, I’m talking huge floods of tears and just feeling hopeless.

I literally can’t be around Toller when she’s walking, I get hugely upset and then she gets upset. I need a few days to recover just being with her, because when I see her atm it makes me teary because I remember her foot and think of how she was before and I just cry and cry and cry.

The guilt is tearing me up and then I feel like shit because when I start getting sad she just looks so confused, poor little love.

I have a lovely little ‘feel like shit’ list atm.

  • Toller’s foot
  • Overwhelming guilt for my bf (this started due to the things I say when I’m seizurey, but spred to pretty much everything – it’s at the point now where when we’re cuddling and happy together, I get tearful, guilty and sad)
  • Feeling like / stressing that I don’t want to be with my bf and our relationship has run it’s course (due to overwhelming guilt and seizure rage)
  • Seizures and everything they bring; stress, tiredness, feeling physically ill etc
  • HUGE health fears that reduce me to tears on a daily basis
  • Depressive episode (thus making above points feel even worse) – thanks for choosing now to raise your ugly head, bipolar

This week has been rough in general, but yesterday took the cake.

-sigh- Oh well, here are some photos of little Puddy one enjoying seconds of her dinner yesterday.

A huge fun sunny hike!

**quick update**

Kasper stays. There’s no way we can rehome him, so we’re just going to have to find a routine that keeps everyone stimulated, tired and happy, whilst keeping Kasper separate from Tolly and Charley, and Toller separate from everyone XD

But I’m sure we can do it. We just need to adjust.

**/update**

Had a perfect walk with Sasha yesterday 🙂

Also I’m considering suspending her out-the-house training, and focusing on at-home tasks for now. I’m too ill to train her outside the house, and it’s making me despair and really beat myself up. Going out purely to train her with the world, then getting seizures and crying because I’ve let her down and I’m never going to be able to manage it is stupid, especially when I actually don’t go ANYWHERE that Sasha couldn’t come as a pet.

So we’ll continue to improve tasks at home, but outdoors intense training will take a huge step back. I think we’ll both appreciate this! The tasks she performs at home are (these are tasks she already knows, not ones I want her to learn!):

  • Seizure alert
  • Seizure response (lying down in front of me so I can fall onto her)
  • Stim interruption
  • Panic alert
  • Interrupting when I’m accidentally finger twiddling, which often results in dislocations (this is caused by panic, psychosis, or even happens in some seizures!)

Yesterday we had our first official ‘no longer having to worry about training walk’, and it was GREAT because I had some seizures, and I didn’t have to feel like I’d ruined anything 🙂

It made a huge bloody difference and was honestly one of our happiest walks!

bighike

I think this is my favourite photo of me ever!

bighike4

Sasha was having SUCH A GOOD TIME zooming and splashing in the puddles, it was adorable! This video is possibly the best thing since sliced bread 🙂

Someone got ever so slightly muddy XD

bighike10

bighike12

And this is a perfect example of the goal with loose lead walking; the lead sits in a lovely ‘J’ shape (or reverse, whatever!)

bighike13

And I seem to be entering a more extreme hypomanic / leading-to-manic episode.

I’ve had a week battling insomnia and getting little sleep every night, well last night 5am came and went and I was still wide awake. It was then me and my partner both realised that it was the approach of summer causing this; lighter days ALWAYS trigger manic episodes, without fail, and there’s nothing I can bloody do about it.

5am me; incredibly bored, wide awake, with an exhausted body!

hypomanic

I have no spoons

Today has been such an effort.

All my body is breaking atm. I’m exhausted from living, and I’m barely living!

My seizures are off the charts and IDK why…is this CBD even worse than all the others? Is it the lighting, all the grey days and the brightness of impending summer? Why why whhhhyyyyy?

Bipolar seems to have reared it’s ugly head and for the first time in forever I feel like I’m having a legit mood episode (depression) instead of the anger / mania / despair being entirely tied into seizures.

Neck pain and migraine to boot…yay life!

Today I woke feeling very tired and very low. We took Sasha for a walk not long after I woke up, and it was pretty nice. We did some good training and found a large tunnel washed up that we brought home and are planning on using for some of the pets.

I got tired. I had a nap and woke up with a crippling migraine. Took some pain pills, now lost in a seizure cluster and feeling entirely hopeless. My sadness has amped up and I just want to cry and give up.

My mental health has been improving so much recently, and I feel like I’ve lost all that ground we’d gained.

I feel like I have zero purpose, like I have nothing to look forward to and my life has zero meaning.

I can’t volunteer anymore, I can’t even go on days out anymore because the outdoor lighting fucks with my head and causes seizures. I’m stuck indoors and have to have all the curtains shut and I can’t even read, have fun with photography / editing, or play games without triggering seizures…I feel like everything I loved to do has been taken from me 😦

I’m honestly so…done.

I feel like I have nothing. And I know I have so much to be thankful for, really I do…I’m just having a pity party and where else can I talk about it if not my blog?

I’m just gonna sit here and cry. It’s all good. *sigh*

[/pity party]

I’ll get my arse into gear soon. I just needed a vent.

 

 

 

Thinking aloud

I might have Sasha as an at-home assistance and seizure alert dog, at least for now.

My bond / connection is so low with Sasha. She is just not a ‘me’ dog at all. It makes me so sad because we spend almost every minute of every day together, but I just don’t click with her.

Sasha is an extremely docile dog. She is chilled to the point where she’d rather sleep than train or play. She’s uber calm, very rarely gets excited about anything, and tolerates rather than enjoys training…that is not a dog for me XD

I like crazy dogs.

I like dogs that bounce of the walls, bond closely to their owner/s (which Sasha doesn’t), need long hikes daily, are super intense and thrive on training, and are hella energetic. I like my dogs wild haha.

Training with a dog who thinks it’s “eh, okay I guess…” isn’t particularly enjoyable, especially when you had hopes for that dog to be an assistance dog and so need to train a lot of the time.

We’re going to really amp up her being left. She can do 20 minutes now, but I’m kinda tired of her holding me back so I want to work it up to her being left for at least 90 minutes by next Monday. I so desperately want to get out in the world again, I want to take Tolly on big hikes, I want to walk around town and spend hours sat in a field and just not worry about Sasha getting overwhelmed.

Oh, last night Toller SUCKED in her crate too!

She was doing her howly-singing in the damn porch and woke me up! I’ve gone back to old CBD oil which apparently gives me the worst headaches ever, so could really have done with sleep last night. The problem is even if she only whines 15 minutes, I’m screwed because she wakes me up and I can’t get back to sleep!

She had SO MUCH stimulation yesterday too, she went on a massive hike all the way through town and along the canal, and was down almost the entire time. The walk was 1 hour and 40 minutes long, so how she had the energy to complain at night IDK.

AND to top that off, benefits stopped our payment recently without telling us for a completely stupid reason, and as a result we have no money. Zilch.

It’s a long story, but as short as possible – out the blue they wanted me to attend an assessment, which in 6 years of claiming this particular benefit they have never done before, and only wanted to do because they made a mistake on their end with a change of address form!! When my partner said I was too ill, they asked for a Dr’s note saying I couldn’t attend an assessment and couldn’t manage a home visit. The receptionist at the GP surgery said we’d need to write in with exactly what we wanted the GP to write, but then they forget about the letter and rushed it out several weeks later when we were constantly ringing to remind them. He ended up writing the wrong thing and said I needed a home visit but was too unwell for an assessment.

My partner phoned the benefits line and told them what had happened and that the letter was wrong; they said send it in anyway as it was the only evidence we had. Now they are saying that I have to have a home visit because the GP note note said I could handle that, and they then suspended our payment without telling us. Now they are making us beg for an appeal, which means it’s going to be at least a month until we get any money, AND they are insisting on a home visit.

In the meantime another benefit has stopped as it can’t pay us until the first one does. Oh good…

So we have absolutely no money. We bought a bag of kibble in whilst we still have enough money to do so, which means the pups are set for a good while. We had to get cheap crap, but I spent hours researching what the best ‘cheap’ food is. We’re most likely going to have to use a food bank within the next few weeks for us.

Next, today my partner has to go out for several hours (to sort benefit stuff, as they refused to make it easier on him) and couldn’t find anybody to watch me. We’re both hugely stressed about me having a seizure and either getting injured or not being present when the dogs do something they shouldn’t >__<

And finally, on a minor note, I’m also lost as to what to do with CBD oil. The 3% did help a little and we were planning to buy that company’s 6% (very expensive!), but if that gives me headaches it’s a waste of money. The 25% worked from the new company we just tried, but that costs £120 for a 10ml bottle, so no. I could try a totally new company and ask for a sample, but let’s be honest it probably wouldn’t work!

All in all we’re both so incredibly stressed about everything and life is horrible haha. But I have my partner, and that is the most important thing.

I should have just called this post ‘ALL THE RANTS’ 😉

Road ID review!

**edit – this band gave me a bizarre skin reaction, involving blistering and peeling. I didn’t even contact Road ID, but they saw it on my Instagram and messaged me, offering to send out a replacement or a different band style for free. I opted for a different band, which I have been wearing for several weeks, and have had zero problems with – I will get a review on this up soon!!**

My Road ID band arrived today and I’m very excited to post about it – I haven’t forgotten I need to post the walk photos of Sasha, and I will do tomorrow 😀

What is it?

I bought a Road ID band, and mine is the Wrist ID Slim

This is a durable easy-to-wear band in a colour of your choice, and with an engraved plate that you can customise and put any details you want on.

Primarily marketed for sporty types who might be out alone and could find themselves in a sticky situation during an accident (cyclists, joggers etc), I’ve actually bought this and found it perfect for a medical alert band!

Price: £16+ for the ID bands, but they sell various other things too from additional safety gear to sportswear!

This company seems like a really, really lovely company!

We got in touch with their customer service via online chat to double check an auto-discount for free shipping would work for the UK, as they are an American company (it would), and the customer service we received from them was amazing. So much more friendly and welcoming them than a large faceless company like Amazon!

I bought the Road ID Wrist Slim band which cost just £16 and postage really was free! Unfortunately there was a customs charge as what we’d bought cost over £15 (agh really?! £1 off??) which added an extra £11.23, but hey ho…

Good things…

  • You can choose any colour for these bands. They come in a wide variety, and some of the other bands have even more options!

I chose purple as it is the colour used for epilepsy / seizure disorders, which I thought was rather fitting (omg just realised that is a seizure pun!! XD )

  • To say the ID plate is quite small (obviously, because it has to fit on the band) you can cram A LOT of information on there, and it’s still clear & easy to read. Mine says the following:

[MY NAME]
SEIZURES, BIPOLAR
CARER: [phone number]
ASSISTANCE DOG:
SASHA

The plates can be easily updated by ordering a new one and replacing the old, and you can also add charms or tags to the band, from funny ones to informative ones! I would have really loved a medical alert symbol one, which they had, but damn money… 😉

  • The band is stretchy, which means easy to put on and take off, also waterproof and (I imagine) very hard to break
  • Useful for a variety of things, from medical alert ID bands to ICE ID for sporty folks and even extra identification for children.
  • Comes with a lifetime guarantee and, if you don’t like the product for whatever reason, they will refund you no questions asked

Any bad points?

Well…I guess the customs charge?!

Other than that, at this point, I honestly can’t think of any…plus it can double up as a halo for my Poodle XD

roaddd3

I would highly recommend this product to everybody, and if you’re into sports go check out the other gear they have for sale on their site!

As a medical alert / ID bracelet this product is pretty much perfect, and the fact it looks so nice whilst remaining subtle is very much appreciated by me personally. The fact that they fit so much information on to so little space, whilst still keeping it easy to read, is phenomenal…I honestly can’t pick any faults with this product!

In conclusion we rate this: 10 out of 10!

(I will keep this review updated should anything change in the coming weeks)

The depression is lifting

After completely clouding my world for several weeks, it seems this mood episode is ending 🙂

I have been enjoying things again, I’m once again flooded with love for my partner, and these past few days have just been so much nicer. We’re slightly concerned a manic episode could follow as there have been a few warning signs, but we’re just doing our best to avoid it.

The weather has been grizzly today, cold AND rainy, yuck.

In the morning we took the two girls to the nearby field to give them at least some off lead time, but it was waaay too cold for Tolly!! I ended up carrying her tucked up my jumper to keep her warm and dry – can’t wait until next week when her little coat arrives!

coldspud

This afternoon I took Tolly out for a 5 minute walk on my own!

The idea was to get Sasha used to being away from me. Because Sasha is my assistance dog and I really struggle to go out without her, she doesn’t get left, and we want to get her used to being alone or at least apart from me. It’s bloody difficult when you rely on her so much though.

We’ve been working on leaving her alone downstairs whilst we go up, and our eventual step will be leave her in the house with a friend whilst me and my partner go out. We’ll probably do that next week.

Tolly had fun though, even if it was still slightly drizzly. She said hello to a neighbour who totally fell head over heels in love with her…although he did think she was 6 weeks old! XD

I will be posting photos of Satsu our cornsnake now, snake scaredies ye have been warned!

 

*

 

*

 

*

Satsu is such a pillock and has been insisting on sleeping his cold end, even though our house is chilly! He felt like ice when we got him out last night, the numpty.

stoopidsnake

We’ve swapped which hides are at which end, so if he was avoiding the hot end as he didn’t like the hide, he has no excuse now 😉

stoopidsnake2

As ever he was an absolute joy to handle, he really is such a mellow little guy.

Still in love with his colouring too 😉

stoopidsnake1

The past few days haven’t been bad in terms of the amount of seizures, but they’ve happened all clustered together so it’s been a huge time sink. My yelling or weird motions have been very prevalent after the seizures too…we make sure to try and remember these to laugh at later XD