Yesterday was…fun -_-
It was the hardest day of this year so far, easy. Shitty things have been happening anyway and my mh has taken a dive this past week, but more than that was seeing Tolly walk for the first time.
I hadn’t seen her walk since before the accident, and all I’d been told was she was doing ‘great’. I saw her walk inside yesterday and her foot just looks AWFUL.
It’s twisted facing completely the wrong direction, the leg’s at a weird angle…it’s just heartbreaking and I immediately burst into tears. I was crying pretty much non-stop for the rest of the day, I’m talking huge floods of tears and just feeling hopeless.
I literally can’t be around Toller when she’s walking, I get hugely upset and then she gets upset. I need a few days to recover just being with her, because when I see her atm it makes me teary because I remember her foot and think of how she was before and I just cry and cry and cry.
The guilt is tearing me up and then I feel like shit because when I start getting sad she just looks so confused, poor little love.
I have a lovely little ‘feel like shit’ list atm.
- Toller’s foot
- Overwhelming guilt for my bf (this started due to the things I say when I’m seizurey, but spred to pretty much everything – it’s at the point now where when we’re cuddling and happy together, I get tearful, guilty and sad)
- Feeling like / stressing that I don’t want to be with my bf and our relationship has run it’s course (due to overwhelming guilt and seizure rage)
- Seizures and everything they bring; stress, tiredness, feeling physically ill etc
- HUGE health fears that reduce me to tears on a daily basis
- Depressive episode (thus making above points feel even worse) – thanks for choosing now to raise your ugly head, bipolar
This week has been rough in general, but yesterday took the cake.
-sigh- Oh well, here are some photos of little Puddy one enjoying seconds of her dinner yesterday.