I have no spoons

Today has been such an effort.

All my body is breaking atm. I’m exhausted from living, and I’m barely living!

My seizures are off the charts and IDK why…is this CBD even worse than all the others? Is it the lighting, all the grey days and the brightness of impending summer? Why why whhhhyyyyy?

Bipolar seems to have reared it’s ugly head and for the first time in forever I feel like I’m having a legit mood episode (depression) instead of the anger / mania / despair being entirely tied into seizures.

Neck pain and migraine to boot…yay life!

Today I woke feeling very tired and very low. We took Sasha for a walk not long after I woke up, and it was pretty nice. We did some good training and found a large tunnel washed up that we brought home and are planning on using for some of the pets.

I got tired. I had a nap and woke up with a crippling migraine. Took some pain pills, now lost in a seizure cluster and feeling entirely hopeless. My sadness has amped up and I just want to cry and give up.

My mental health has been improving so much recently, and I feel like I’ve lost all that ground we’d gained.

I feel like I have zero purpose, like I have nothing to look forward to and my life has zero meaning.

I can’t volunteer anymore, I can’t even go on days out anymore because the outdoor lighting fucks with my head and causes seizures. I’m stuck indoors and have to have all the curtains shut and I can’t even read, have fun with photography / editing, or play games without triggering seizures…I feel like everything I loved to do has been taken from me 😦

I’m honestly so…done.

I feel like I have nothing. And I know I have so much to be thankful for, really I do…I’m just having a pity party and where else can I talk about it if not my blog?

I’m just gonna sit here and cry. It’s all good. *sigh*

[/pity party]

I’ll get my arse into gear soon. I just needed a vent.

 

 

 

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7 thoughts on “I have no spoons

  1. So sorry to hear all this πŸ˜” My daughter has a seizure disorder as well. Its so completely chaotic and full of ‘unknowns’ and not being able to plan or count on much.

    • I’m sorry to hear about your daughter’s condition. The hardest thing for me is seeing how much seizures have taken from me, and not knowing how I’m going to be day-to-day…I hope you find something that works for you all soon!

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