I feel done

The Dr’s appt was truly awful.

The Dr came in and she asked what my seizures were like from my POV. I said my vision locks, my eyes can’t focus, I can’t move, respond, etc. I didn’t have time to tell her about auras, or what happens after, nothing. She said they didn’t sound like typical seizures and were most likely dissociation.

This is why a) my seizures have gone unnoticed for so long, because when I was having them irregularly we were just told “oh that’s just dissociation”, and b) why I haven’t tried to get help sooner because I knew this would happen!!

I told the Dr I had a short video of me during a seizure and had written out some information regarding them (triggers, symptoms before, during and after etc) but she wasn’t interested.

She then wanted to start talking about my mental health insinuating I must be doing really badly due to the home visit, and saying I needed to start seeing the MH team again…no, no, no!

My MH is the best it’s been in about 8 years, the only reason I need a home visit is because professionals have screwed me over so many times and I know if I go to appts (and have regular appts) my mood swings will be back in full, and I’ll be psychotic and suicidal. So no!!

She did a very quick physical check of my eyes and moving my head, told me I’d have to go to the surgery for a blood test, and continued talking about MH stuff. I started crying. I sobbed that it was appts that had pushed me to the point I was at previously, and I couldn’t manage them…I was crying and trembling and I HATED that I was doing it in front of her.

Anyway at this point the Dr somewhat randomly decided to ask to see the video, and after watching it said something like “It must have been hard or you to describe what these seizures look like so I could get an actual idea of them”, and then after that referred to me as having seizures…like, what?

As ever the NHS Dr had no concept of mental health problems or how much of an impact my moods / psychosis have on my life, or how much a bloody home visit would unbalance me. She was very dismissive about the seizures up until the very end when she watched the clip, and was not impressed with us for having a home visit at all.

It seems with any proffessional (GPs, social workers, psychiatrists etc) they won’t ever believe how badly you are doing or how strongly small things affect you unless they can see it – I can tell them I feel depressed or suicidal until the cows come home, but it’s not until they see me sobbing that they go ‘oh you’re not doing very well’.

Her plan was to have me go in for a blood test asap, and put me on a waiting list for a neurologist which would be 12+ months wait. But considering how awful this appt was and the fact she said numerous times my seizures will not be harming my brain and are not signs of a tumour, I think we’ll just keep trying CBD oil and stay away from appts.

On top of that we have had 90% of our income stopped because the department ‘thought’ we were receiving universal credit (which we are not) and now one is refusing to start up payment  because I am not well enough for a home visit, and the other can’t start up until the first does…so we have basically no income, which is another huge stress.

My partner has been absolutely amazing with everything today, from sorting benefits ringing several times and not putting up with them trying to fob him off, to helping during the home visit and comforting me after. Sasha has also not left my side. And all I’ve done is yelled at my partner because I’ve been freaking out…oh dear, happy valentine’s!! >__<

Today has been very mentally draining. I feel hopeless, suicidal and just awful. Time to relax and regroup, and keep doing things our way.

Any comments telling me I should go to further appts will be deleted, not needed right now thank you 🙂

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6 thoughts on “I feel done

  1. I know your seizures are more of a physical medical thing but I wonder if someone like The Samaritans can put you in touch with someone other than the NHS that would be able to help for free? Just thinking they must have had other people who have mental issues but also physical issues that have driven them to the suicidal feelings like you mention or even if they know of a different GP that is more sympathetic. I understand you hate going to the doctors and so a new one might not sound very appealing but it might be worth a try if they are known to be more sympathetic and helpful than your current one. Not trying to do the “you should go” thing but just a thought for you if you really do want to figure out the cause 🙂

    • It’s okay, I just need to brush myself off and pick myself back up! The stress of appts triggers anxiety, which in turn triggers a mood swing, and sparks my psychosis off…everything goes to shit when I have to attend appts haha!

      I’m doing a bit better already though, so I know I can come back from this 🙂

  2. So sorry this happened😕 At least they don’t think there’s any tumors are anything that would be causing these seizures. I agree that it would be nice to see someone else cause every doctor / nurse is different. I understand it might be awhile but just something to consider. Between your partner and Sasha sounds like you have a great support system that will be with you no matter what you do!😊

    • I have a great support system, and the CBD oil is already helping some aspects of my seizures so at least there is that too 🙂 My partner wants to phone up the surgery and log a formal complaint against that Dr on Monday, aagh!

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