Sadness

Depression takes the happiness out of everything.

We saw the New Year in with me curled up in my partner’s arms crying. We only knew it was New Year when family rang. The happiest moments of days leave me feeling worse afterwards, because I know that where I should be living on a high, I just feel…nothing. Or despair.

I’ve been living with major depression since I was ten years old. I’m tired of it now, I really am.

I constantly imagine if I’d successfully killed myself at 16 (probably the the time where I attempted it most), I could have saved myself 11 years of grief. That’s a very sad thought.

Oh I am so cheerful, Happy New Year everyone XD

Yesterday Tolly had her first walk where she went down on the ground. It was only for a few minutes, but she LOVED it!! It was kinda hilarious watching her spring about madly and ricochet off my wellies!

firstwalk2

It left me feeling worse afterwards, because I knew that where I should have had a really fun and cute time, and this should be a memory I treasure forever, it was soiled by low mood. It infiltrates everything.

If playing with cute puppies or cuddling with my partner doesn’t cheer me up, nothing can. It’s lonely.

It was *incredibly* hard to walk with Toller XD

Not only was she bouncing off my wellies, but she spent a lot of time walking / running between or around my feet. I had to walk scraping my feet along the floor so I wouldn’t accidentally stand on her!!

firstwalk1

Did I tell you how much Toller weighed?

I can’t remember so I’ll just tell you again!

So at 9 weeks old she weighed 1.25kg (my partner got it wrong and originally told me it was 1.5kg)
And at 12.5 weeks she weighs 1.95kg

Omg she doesn’t weigh 2kg yet XD I used a puppy-adult weight prediction calculator, and it’s now settled at 3.6kg!!

To put this into perspective, Pixie (Chihuahua x Dachshund) weighed 5.3kg full grown, and Raiden weighed 3.6kg at 14 weeks old. Omb she is going to be SO SMALL!

We work on obedience whilst I sort a few of the mice…plus she just looks insanely cute on the shelves XD

New Years Eve photo shoot happened!

nye2

nye1

My beautiful little family

nye

We used to call these toys her littermates, because they were almost the same size as her…she’s groooown!!

13weeksold4

Sasha laughs. They were never her littermates.

iambig

Somehow Tolly still fits under the drawers, where the tiny juice bottles live.

My Poodle is a donkey.

And working on our between and focus trick 🙂

between

 

And a lot of Spoonies were making charts using these, so I joined in 🙂

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11 thoughts on “Sadness

  1. Pingback: Blinded by depression | Bipolar-and-Us

  2. I am so glad you shared your highs and lows with us. I know it’s hard for you but whether you realize it or not you do help other people by being so honest. My nephew is bipolar and has other mental issues going on but he never shares what he goes through so you can actually give me a window into his life that he doesn’t share. And for that I thank you and always wish you well. Plus I love seeing all of your babies they bring joy to my heart.

    • Oh thank you so much for this comment 🙂 I’m sorry your nephew struggles too. I never ever talked with my family about my MH struggles, and I still barely talk about it now. They’re not very understanding and I also find it extremely difficult…outside of my blog and such online I really don’t talk to anyone but my partner about my invisible illnesses 🙂 Seriously, thank you for this comment ^__^

  3. I’m sorry you’re dealing with depression. I hope you feel better soon. Your dogs are adorable and the work you do with them is admirable. Happy New Year!

  4. OMG Such cute photos! I loved Sasha as a donkey. She totally liked like one. Tolly is so small, the litter mate theory with the stuffies pix is hilarious. 😅😂
    The video with Tolly is a hoot. Too funny… so much energy!
    I can also understand bipolar. I’m in a weird funk, as I’m off work for 2 weeks and home, where I feel safe. I never know where I’ll go, up or down in this time. Time will tell.
    Have a wonderful new year!

    • It’s so easy to take cute photos of these two because they’re so freaking cute XD Hahaha, omb it’s a NIGHTMARE walking Tolly outdoors, constant fear you’re going to step on her!!

      The unpredictability is such an awful part of bipolar. Like, I’m aware of what some of my triggers are (sleep = mania, socialising too much = mania etc) but most my moods come seriously out the blue, especially the depressive episodes…it makes planning things in advance impossible!! Thank you, you too 🙂

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