A huge ‘ugh’ day

I’m having a mixed episode and some days of bad seizures. It’s a terrible combination.

Bipolar mixed episodes are symptoms of both mania and depression. For me this involves not sleeping at all, not being able to concentrate, combined with extremely intense depression.

That plus two dozen seizures a day is…exhausting. And on top of that I am filled with a self-hatred so poisonous that I spend hours crying, because I’m being awful to my partner and he doesn’t deserve it and I despise myself.

Fun times!!!

My partner sat me down today and very calmly and concisely said that I can’t beat myself up for verbally lashing out, because a) I have a lot on my plate (not an adequate excuse at all to me) but b) 95% of the time when I do say hurtful things, I have a ‘seizure head’, and it’s the seizure dishing out the rage and the meanies.

And I literally can’t control seizure words. You should see me after seizures, I yelled at my partner once “YOU’RE NOT GOING SNOW BOARDING!!”…we have never been, nor do we want to go, snow boarding XD

Anyway, I felt a lot better after that. I have these constant hateful thoughts in my head because I’m such an awful person…quite reassuring to be told much of it isย the result of seizures.

I don’t think I’m making sense. Shut up me, just post photos of dogs XD

Today we had a walk to the canal with Sasha, and she said hello to a family of three dogs: a grumpy old Lhasa, a cute vocal Staffy, and a Shar Pei x BC puppy that wasย the same age as her!!

It was literally half her size haha, but they had a whale of a time racing up and down the canal path playing. NOTHING makes me feel better than happy bum-wiggling puppy play bows, it really was lovely to watch and Sasha was incredibly polite ๐Ÿ™‚

Oh also, before she actually got to say hi to them, she was running ahead up to them, and I recalled her. She’s just 20 weeks old remember and three dogs are hugely exciting, yet she turned and came back immediately!

Heeling on the way back

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Training

I had some seizures too. First I told my partner one was incoming. I dropped Sasha’s lead when it hit, and she stayed nearby as she has been trained to, and my partner picked it up. If I was on my own with her, I’d have obviously clipped it to my belt.

Furhter on I had to sit down right by the main road, which was a bit stoopid, but thankfully I was too out of it to be that embarrassed XD

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My partner took Tolly to the vets for her appt today (final vaccination and microchip) and the surgery was shut!!!

It seems they forgot they were closed on the day they gave us an appt! We were both annoyed as he’d left me at home for 40 minutes to take Tolly there, and not only was today a high seizure day, but I was struggling and didn’t feel particularly safe either. We made it through though, but annoying it’ll have to be done again :/

Doesn’t her face look grown up here?! ๐Ÿ™‚

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Still so tiny hahaha!

We got an amazon prime delivery today, and their OTT packaging (which normally really annoys us!) came in useful as a free dog toy ๐Ÿ˜€

Puppers loved it XD

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“My sister’s under here – don’t worry mum, I’ll rescue her!”

Footage from a very windy walk a few days ago. Toller makes an appearance at the end, and there’s some wonderful slo-mo puddle splashing too!

And, I leave you with baby mice and Poodle pics! The shiny brown boy is really showing the satin ^__^

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2 thoughts on “A huge ‘ugh’ day

    • I had a good night’s sleep, it’s sunny AND we’re picking up two long haired guinea pigs today – that’s the makings of a good day right there! ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€ Ah I love Sashie’s puddle running!

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