F**k this

**trigger warning for suicide and whinging**

I had a bad day today.

Numerous seizures, constant fog and confusion. I don’t remember an entire walk with Pixie earlier, which my partner assures me we went on and she did great with training. I don’t remember the walk or training her.

I don’t remember anything we’ve done today.

I’ve had several seizures, my mood has been very low, and I’m exhausted – physically and mentally. As the day went on I felt increasingly suicidal.

My partner was out walking the dogs so I fired off a few emails to places asking for advice, then I got slightly more worried I was gonna do something impulsive so I called Samaritans. I’ve never managed to speak on the phone to them before, despite trying numerous times, I always hang up when they answer…I’m terrified of talking to strangers and I have a phobia of talking on the phone, but I was feeling pretty desperate.

The Samaritans are good. Although they don’t really offer advice, it usually helps me when I’m feeling *so* desperate just to talk to someone I don’t know.

Anyway. My partner’s back so I’m safe, my mood’s better but I’m still urgey, but it’s all gravy. Ish 😉

So…I’m not doing very well, but never mind. Had a HUGE breakthrough with Pixie today in terms of using the scratchboard, I did get a video of this and some really cute photos, but I’m not risking another seizure so the editing can wait.

Photos from today that I do have though, taken on my phone 🙂



Also today the custom ID card I ordered for Pixie arrived.

This is to go in with my pocket that has all my ICE information. I covered a plastic bag in bright orange tape, wrote ‘in case of emergency’ on it, and I have one clipped to my dog walking belt and another just in my pocket.

The ICE info is obviously for emergency services, the ID card is for any morons that try bother me and Pixie, if we are out on our own and they are ignoring her vest that she will eventually be wearing. I don’t do well talking to people, so this ID card could help.

Also, because I am proud, I designed this card myself from an entirely blank template!

So there you go. Have a great weekend everybody!


6 thoughts on “F**k this

  1. Please do not wait for the doctor’s appointment. Go to the emergency room! Your brain is having problems that need urgent attention. Please get help asap!! This is serious!

    • Unfortunately in the UK the NHS is absolutely terrible in terms of mental health, and going to A&E for suicidal urges would do more harm than good…I know because I’ve done it half a dozen times in the last five years and every time it’s gone disastrously. In fact when we went this spring they left us waiting for 4 hours with no attention, and then when we checked out to go home because I was getting worse in that environment, they called the police. I actually had patrols out looking for me with instructions to bring me in for sectioning, despite the fact we’d been at hospital voluntarily and had been there four hours without them doing anything!! If you’re feeling suicidal in the UK there’s not much in place to help you, which is why I’m really lucky to have my partner who keeps me safe etc. Thank you for this comment though, it was so nice to have someone take it seriously and offer advice 🙂

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