Ranting about my family, skip to ‘rant over’ to miss whinging!
Sometimes I just need to rant. This is one of those times.
My family have always been oddly close, and my parents see one side of the family several times a week, sometimes daily. They usually see us once a month or two, but I video chat them a few times a week because otherwise I’d never hear from them!
I called my parents yesterday and we were chatting about things, and my partner tried to tell them about the seizure I’d had earlier in the day. It was a bad one and really panicked him – he thought he was going to have to call an ambulance.
I kid you not, as he was talking about it my mum was sat their whistling, and neither of them responded.
Since telling my mum about my possible Non-epileptic seizures, she hasn’t spoken to me about them once. She commented in the background of one phone call that we should let DWP know because it might change my claim, and that was it. My dad has listened and responded more, but there’s still a lack of empathy, a lack of understanding.
I called them tonight, despite calling them yesterday, because we had our GP phone consultation today and I wanted to let them know how it went.
At the start of the call my dad explained how they were planning a driving holiday. They’d be driving around the coast at the very upper end of Scotland. I told them that sounded awesome.
They then moved onto planning when they were next going to come visit us, as we still have birthday gifts for my dad from early September. My dad was going to arrange it within the next week or so, but my mum stalled it to mid-October, saying we might as well wait for my birthday and tie it in with that.
It definitely feels like they make time for other family members over us, which sucks. The other night when I first told them I was having suspected seizures, my dad couldn’t talk for more than 10 mins because they were going to my cousin’s house for a takeaway pizza. Hmm, okay…
Whilst talking they were trying to sort out where they’d be sleeping during the holiday – posh hotel or a equally expensive hobbit hole? I voted hobbit hole because duh 😛
At this point they started arguing over the most petty things. They’ve always had heated arguments, so I stepped in to calm them down. I said they are so lucky to be able to do things like this, and they should enjoy being healthy enough to do it rather than arguing.
My mum replied “Well yes, but we’ve worked really hard for our money and to get to the stage where we’re able to do this. We’ve worked bloody hard for it.”
I didn’t mean that at all. I told her I meant they should be grateful for their physical health – I admit, I was feeling bitter. I’ve been in pain all day today, I’ve not been able to leave the house much for ages…and there’s no way we could manage a day trip never mind a holiday. My mum sounded like she was going to argue their health wasn’t perfect / was just as bad, but thankfully stopped.
She then started talking about how much they have to work and how tired it makes them. Whenever their work is brought up in this sense I get jealous that they can do that, and it puts me on edge because in the past this has lead to them saying how lucky we are we ‘don’t have to’ work, or ask when we’re getting a job…and hello, I’m exhausted just from living so you’re not the only ones who are tired!
At this point I outright said they were annoying me, and I was going to leave.
Instead of asking why I was upset or apologising (they are bad at apologising and I’ve had to work hard to get better at saying sorry myself) they said “Oh okay, speak to you later then, bye!” as if everything was hunky-dory.
I hate this about them!! It is entirely this mindset that led to me hiding my MH problems throughout my teenage years! In my family we don’t acknowledge feelings and, if they ever did notice issues with me, I was ridiculed for them. I am totally unsurprised I have problems now 😛
Not once on that call did they ask how I was doing.
My dad was made redundant a few weeks back. He managed to find another job before his current one even ended, but at the time they were understandably upset. I made sure to ask my dad how his interviews were going, and as soon as I heard the news I bought gifts to try cheer him up. I did this because I knew he was feeling like shit and wanted to show he wasn’t alone.
Why can’t they do this for their only child???
They never acknowledge my struggles, or even seem interested. They have no idea how difficult it is to experience hallucinations daily, and my mum especially has had no response to NES. They don’t realise that my life is one constant battle. I never feel happy or good or ‘normal’, but I try not to let it ruin my life or be the only thing I ever talk about.
My parents don’t realise how lucky they are.
They’re able to work, yet seem to honestly believe I could work if I wanted to or only tried harder…it took me years to learn to brush off their comments about me / my partner finding a job. Can’t they see we would LOVE to work?!
They can afford holidays (they have had two already this month). They can afford meals out, nice food, and whatever expensive thing they want. We can’t. We have to budget carefully and are usually just scraping by, but we don’t mind. We don’t whinge about it;our special days out are usually free (eg. big beach walk).
They can visit family, go shopping, go to the cinema, have a Dr’s appt if they need one…they can do so many things, but they just don’t realise it or appreciate it.
My life is pretty limited, but I appreciate all the things I have and can do. I get pissed at the things I’m missing, but I adore my partner and my dogs and photography and so many other things.
There’s this overwhelming feeling from my parents that I’m faking my illness, or that it’s nowhere near as bad as I make out. And, of course, that their problems are so much more important than mine, because they are ‘real’ adults and work.
At the start of this year we had no money and had to rely on a food bank for food. At the time my parents didn’t seem to class it as a ‘real issue’ and weren’t concerned at all. When my dad lost his job, even though in the end they lost zero money, they went into full-on panic mode and I was expected to listen to lots of hysteria and sympathise completely. Which I did.
But if they panicked at the thought of their money diminishing, why couldn’t they show sympathy when we had less than £10 to our name?!
I would also really love if they could understand my MH more.
I’m in this awful loop where talking to them makes me feel like shit, but I love the thought of talking to them that I still do it regularly…at least until they do something unforgivable, and then I’ll cut ties for a few months until I cave in and it begins all over again!
I had my GP phone consultation today…well, my partner spoke on the phone because I can’t.
The receptionist said the call would be in the afternoon and we didn’t get called until almost 6pm, so by that time I was an utter wreck. I’m amazed I didn’t have a seizure today! I was trembling, had a headache & thought I was going to be sick…I used to be fine with appts but over the years I’ve had a lot of bad experiences, and now I just can’t deal with them.
Anyway, our GP agreed it sounds like NES and would like a physical appt to do some tests (fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck). He also filled the prescription so my meds can be picked up tomorrow, and we’re getting a call tomorrow about when the appt is.
Ugh, I can’t do this. Haha my heart is racing just because I’m typing about it!! But that went as good as it could have done anyway.
All day today I’ve felt v.physically unwell, not sure if I have a bug or something. Ear ache, headache, exhausted etc. I’ve had earache for about a week now, and after googling my partner dipped an earbud in olive oil and told me to stick it in my ear.
It feels exceptionally gross haha but I’ve done it twice today and both times it got rid of ear pain 😀
Dog training wise we’ve done the alerting today and that’s pretty much it.
Pixie woke me up from a nap which I was pissed about, but after waking up I realised I had this thing I get…I tremble and feel excessively weak. Even though it’s not from hunger, if I eat sugary foods it goes away. Anyway, I had that the worst it gets, so I wondered if she woke me up because of that!
Also here is her anxious face. When she makes this face I have to listen, because it usually means something bad is going on in me. And no, I didn’t ask her to look at the camera here, this is legit how she sits 😀
And finally, I had to edit this to add a photo of when I dropped chocolate biscuit on her XD