When parents are the worst

Ranting about my family, skip to ‘rant over’ to miss whinging!

Sometimes I just need to rant. This is one of those times.

My family have always been oddly close, and my parents see one side of the family several times a week, sometimes daily. They usually see us once a month or two, but I video chat them a few times a week because otherwise I’d never hear from them!

I called my parents yesterday and we were chatting about things, and my partner tried to tell them about the seizure I’d had earlier in the day. It was a bad one and really panicked him – he thought he was going to have to call an ambulance.

I kid you not, as he was talking about it my mum was sat their whistling, and neither of them responded.

Since telling my mum about my possible Non-epileptic seizures, she hasn’t spoken to me about them once. She commented in the background of one phone call that we should let DWP know because it might change my claim, and that was it. My dad has listened and responded more, but there’s still a lack of empathy, a lack of understanding.

I called them tonight, despite calling them yesterday, because we had our GP phone consultation today and I wanted to let them know how it went.

At the start of the call my dad explained how they were planning a driving holiday. They’d be driving around the coast at the very upper end of Scotland. I told them that sounded awesome.

They then moved onto planning when they were next going to come visit us, as we still have birthday gifts for my dad from early September. My dad was going to arrange it within the next week or so, but my mum stalled it to mid-October, saying we might as well wait for my birthday and tie it in with that.

It definitely feels like they make time for other family members over us, which sucks. The other night when I first told them I was having suspected seizures, my dad couldn’t talk for more than 10 mins because they were going to my cousin’s house for a takeaway pizza. Hmm, okay…

Whilst talking they were trying to sort out where they’d be sleeping during the holiday – posh hotel or a equally expensive hobbit hole? I voted hobbit hole because duh 😛

At this point they started arguing over the most petty things. They’ve always had heated arguments, so I stepped in to calm them down. I said they are so lucky to be able to do things like this, and they should enjoy being healthy enough to do it rather than arguing.

My mum replied “Well yes, but we’ve worked really hard for our money and to get to the stage where we’re able to do this. We’ve worked bloody hard for it.”

I didn’t mean that at all. I told her I meant they should be grateful for their physical health – I admit, I was feeling bitter. I’ve been in pain all day today, I’ve not been able to leave the house much for ages…and there’s no way we could manage a day trip never mind a holiday. My mum sounded like she was going to argue their health wasn’t perfect / was just as bad, but thankfully stopped.

She then started talking about how much they have to work and how tired it makes them. Whenever their work is brought up in this sense I get jealous that they can do that, and it puts me on edge because in the past this has lead to them saying how lucky we are we ‘don’t have to’ work, or ask when we’re getting a job…and hello, I’m exhausted just from living so you’re not the only ones who are tired!

At this point I outright said they were annoying me, and I was going to leave.

Instead of asking why I was upset or apologising (they are bad at apologising and I’ve had to work hard to get better at saying sorry myself) they said “Oh okay, speak to you later then, bye!” as if everything was hunky-dory.

I hate this about them!! It is entirely this mindset that led to me hiding my MH problems throughout my teenage years! In my family we don’t acknowledge feelings and, if they ever did notice issues with me, I was ridiculed for them. I am totally unsurprised I have problems now 😛

Not once on that call did they ask how I was doing.

My dad was made redundant a few weeks back. He managed to find another job before his current one even ended, but at the time they were understandably upset. I made sure to ask my dad how his interviews were going, and as soon as I heard the news I bought gifts to try cheer him up. I did this because I knew he was feeling like shit and wanted to show he wasn’t alone.

Why can’t they  do this for their only child???

They never acknowledge my struggles, or even seem interested. They have no idea how difficult it is to experience hallucinations daily, and my mum especially has had no response to NES. They don’t realise that my life is one constant battle. I never feel happy or good or ‘normal’, but I try not to let it ruin my life or be the only thing I ever talk about.

My parents don’t realise how lucky they are.

They’re able to work, yet seem to honestly believe I could work if I wanted to or only tried harder…it took me years to learn to brush off their comments about me / my partner finding a job. Can’t they see we would LOVE to work?!

They can afford holidays (they have had two already this month). They can afford meals out, nice food, and whatever expensive thing they want. We can’t. We have to budget carefully and are usually just scraping by, but we don’t mind. We don’t whinge about it;our special days out are usually free (eg. big beach walk).

They can visit family, go shopping, go to the cinema, have a Dr’s appt if they need one…they can do so many things, but they just don’t realise it or appreciate it.

My life is pretty limited, but I appreciate all the things I have and can do. I get pissed at the things I’m missing, but I adore my partner and my dogs and photography and so many other things.

There’s this overwhelming feeling from my parents that I’m faking my illness, or that it’s nowhere near as bad as I make out. And, of course, that their problems are so much more important than mine, because they are ‘real’ adults and work.

At the start of this year we had no money and had to rely on a food bank for food. At the time my parents didn’t seem to class it as a ‘real issue’ and weren’t concerned at all. When my dad lost his job, even though in the end they lost zero money, they went into full-on panic mode and I was expected to listen to lots of hysteria and sympathise completely. Which I did.

But if they panicked at the thought of their money diminishing, why couldn’t they show sympathy when we had less than £10 to our name?!

I would also really love if they could understand my MH more.

I’m in this awful loop where talking to them makes me feel like shit, but I love the thought of talking to them that I still do it regularly…at least until they do something unforgivable, and then I’ll cut ties for a few months until I cave in and it begins all over again!

Ack.

Rant over!

I had my GP phone consultation today…well, my partner spoke on the phone because I can’t.

The receptionist said the call would be in the afternoon and we didn’t get called until almost 6pm, so by that time I was an utter wreck. I’m amazed I didn’t have a seizure today! I was trembling, had a headache & thought I was going to be sick…I used to be fine with appts but over the years I’ve had a lot of bad experiences, and now I just can’t deal with them.

Anyway, our GP agreed it sounds like NES and would like a physical appt to do some tests (fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck). He also filled the prescription so my meds can be picked up tomorrow, and we’re getting a call tomorrow about when the appt is.

Ugh, I can’t do this. Haha my heart is racing just because I’m typing about it!! But that went as good as it could have done anyway.

All day today I’ve felt v.physically unwell, not sure if I have a bug or something. Ear ache, headache, exhausted etc. I’ve had earache for about a week now, and after googling my partner dipped an earbud in olive oil and told me to stick it in my ear.

It feels exceptionally gross haha but I’ve done it twice today and both times it got rid of ear pain 😀

Dog training wise we’ve done the alerting today and that’s pretty much it.

Pixie woke me up from a nap which I was pissed about, but after waking up I realised I had this thing I get…I tremble and feel excessively weak. Even though it’s not from hunger, if I eat sugary foods it goes away. Anyway, I had that the worst it gets, so I wondered if she woke me up because of that!

Also here is her anxious face. When she makes this face I have to listen, because it usually means something bad is going on in me. And no, I didn’t ask her to look at the camera here, this is legit how she sits 😀

And finally, I had to edit this to add a photo of when I dropped chocolate biscuit on her XD

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17 thoughts on “When parents are the worst

  1. Damn, I’m sorry about your rents not truly understanding. I deal with this often, and it just sucks because your rents are supposed to be the most “understanding” ones about your health issues! Glad you have your partner to help you, my Nikki is the same with me!

    • It really sucks…nice to have someone who understands but crappy you are having the same issues. It’s exactly as you say though, parents are supposed to be the most understanding people in your life and who love you more than anything else…I’m very lucky to have my partner to rely on and talk things through with, and am really glad you have the same 🙂

      • Yes it is crappy! They think I “fake” a lot of social anxiety problems, like “suck it up Cyerra” and it’s like no no, it’s not that easy to just suck up. I’d love for them to have my “problems” for one day, they’d shit theirselves at how hard day to day activities become. Can definitely relate!

      • I think that all the time haha. Living just one day with serious MH symptoms would make people appreciate the difficulty much more 😛

        Oh I hate the ‘suck it up’ stuff. My parents often have an automatic reaction of saying “oh give over” if I say I feel really depressed or, god forbid, I dare mention I feel suicidal…not exactly what I want to hear haha 😛

      • No not exactly at all! People who saying people with depression need to grow up, or they’ll never be ready for the real world really tick me off because they don’t understand. Exactly they’d appreciate a lot more, like simple phone calls, I seen you said your partner had to call for you, Nikki does this for me as well. Simple things like this, people take for granted.

  2. It does suck to hear your parents don’t understand, I think certainly with your MH issues that’s not surprising as it’s not really been classed/accepted as an illness until the past couple of years. It’s a mindset thing for those of us who don’t suffer from it; I try not to judge people but you can’t help but think “Well if something is rubbish just think of something good, that’s what I do” because obviously that comes naturally to me but some people can’t do that (very generalised overview there of course but you get my meaning I hope!). Even on a physical health point I realised before now that being on crutches would be rubbish but until I’ve had to actually deal with it you just don’t realise what a struggle even the simplest of things can be.

    It may just be that they don’t understand and therefore block it out or like to pretend it doesn’t exist so they don’t have to worry. They probably do care about your seizures but just don’t know how to react to them so they don’t, or they know they can’t do anything about them so figure there’s no point talking about it, not realising that sometimes that can be just as helpful as actually curing the seizures.

    Anyway good luck with your appointment, I know it’s hard but just keep telling yourself it’s for the best. You’d rather know what is causing them and if you can do anything about them than just keep suffering through them I’m sure 🙂

    • One of the things that bug’s me the most is my mum’s job involves a fair bit of MH stuff, and I often hear stories of her helping people who are mentally ill and struggling. I could understand if my mum just didn’t “do” mental illness at all, but not only is it in her job but she’s constantly talking about a family member and how ‘bad’ their depression is…yet with me it doesn’t even get acknowledged or talked about.

      Every time they happen to see a documentary on bipolar the next time we talk they’ll say “omg and this one guy was so depressed he literally couldn’t move and was just crying, and he couldn’t care for himself at all! It was crazy!”…and I’m like “yes hello, that is how I say my lows are!!” 😛

      I think it bugs me because I try so hard for them. If I can help them in any way I will, and if something sucky happens to them I’ll do everything I can to cheer them up and show how much I care. A bit in return would be nice :/

      Thanks. I didn’t hear from the Dr’s about an appt today so my partner’s going to call them tomorrow…hopefully it’ll still be a few weeks away so I can work up to it!

  3. Wow this is terrible honestly it really upsets me. I’m in my 30s and my parents are great I couldn’t manage without them. My land lord kicked me out recently my parents took my and my pets in. I know I always have there support and we’re constantly getting in touch I always took this for granted so I’m sorry you don’t have this. And I don’t think it takes much humanity to sympathise with your own child struggling mental illness or seizures!!!!! There’s still so much stigma around mental health.

    I don’t even know anyone who has anxiety or depression at least not openly to my knowledge, but I can still completely understand how absolutely devastating psychosis must be every day. I can’t imagine what it’s like but I can understand it’d be awful. And I know if I told my mom I had seizures she’d be right over asking if I was okay and she’d text to see how I was doing every day. This makes me so sad for you 😦

    • Thanks for this!

      I’m glad you have such wonderful parents 🙂

      I’m not expecting them to bend over backwards or always be welcoming, because that is just not their style…but it’d just be nice to know they care and can appreciate when things are extra tough! Sometimes it’s just nice to talk things through with someone.

  4. Have you considered letting them go? What I mean by that is in accepting that they will never change and realizing they bring you more heartache than joy, then just never call them back? Let them make any contact if they want to and if they don’t, try to understand it’s not you but them choosing to not have a relationship. I haven’t spoke to my father in 25 years and it took a while but I’ve been okay with it. He never understood me and never tried to – I wasn’t what he wanted in a daughter. I finally accepted that I would never live up to what he wanted me to be and he wouldn’t accept me for who I was so I just never reinitiated contact. He didn’t either. I expect the next time I’ll see him will be at his funeral. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean I don’t love him, it just means I forgave him for his failings and have given him over to the Universe. This choice isn’t for everybody but I just wanted to give you something to think about. Just because they’re your parents doesn’t mean you are obligated to spend time with them. On another note, I hope everything will be okay with you. Keeps us posted!!

    • I’m starting to think more and more this is what needs to happen, and every time they do something I can’t forgive and cut ties with them for a few months I say that’s what I’m going to do…then something exciting happens in my life and I get so excited to share I call them up and we fall into this pattern again.

      I’ve managed to make them into such a big part of my life, calling every few days, and I don’t know why because I don’t get anything out of it. They don’t seem to care about me at all and certainly don’t appreciate what I do or what I say…and 99% of the calls I come away upset or frustrated.

      I really like the way you phrased it – “It doesn’t mean I don’t love him, it just means I forgave him for his failings”. Was it hard to do? Did you have any false starts?

      Thank you, I will do! The GP didn’t call today so my partner’s gonna call about an appt tomorrow. We almost ended up at A&E tonight after a seizure, then a migraine, and then out of nowhere my bottom lip swelled so much inside that I couldn’t move it. No idea why, seriously what is my body doing?!? 😀

      Anyway I had a nap and it’d gone down a lot when I woke a few hours later. Migraine’s easing a little thanks to some Codeine too. Stoopid bodies XD

      • Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn’t happen automatically; it’s a process. First I made the decision to WANT to forgive – because forgiveness is better for the forgiver than for the forgivee. By that I mean when you harbor unforgiveness or anger or bitterness toward someone else it doesn’t hurt them but it tears you apart – physically, emotionally, mentally – in every way. After asking for help (for me, from God) to want to forgive, I began actively forgiving him. Whenever I would think of him or something he did or how he hurt me or how angry I was at him or even how much I hated him, I would remind myself that I was working on forgiving him. Every time I thought about him, I would remind myself I was forgiving him. Over time the unforgiveness, anger and bitterness drained away and I just didn’t think about him anymore. and when i did I didn’t have any feelings one way or another. That’s the way it worked for me. Each person has to find their own path. If you want to walk that path, you will find the way when you are ready. Take care. 🙂

      • Thank you so much for sharing this and taking the time to write all this. It’s extremely helpful and appreciated 🙂

  5. Such lovely and supportive responses from other people I really don’t have much more to add except I’m sorry to hear, that sucks but remember it’s not a failing on your part you are a great daughter and a great person. It seems like they may not be willing to accept that something is wrong as they may feel like by accepting that something is wrong and you are not feeling well then they have “failed as parents” but that’s on them and is no reflection on your worth. Wishing you all the strength to go forward whether you chose to continue to contact them or not, take care ❤

    • I always get anxious whenever I post something like this – sharing such personal posts is never easy and I’m always worried I’ll come across as a spoilt only child – but venting through the blog really helps and people leave such supportive comments I always feel so much better afterwards 🙂

      Thank you so much for this comment ❤ This is possibly the loveliest thing to wake up to when you have earache and are in the worst mood ever haha 😀

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