Bipolar blog, skip if you don’t want to hear me whine…
My whole body is tensing and my toes are curling with pure panic.
It’s getting to that point again, the one where it gets so bad I can’t breathe or function at all. Why do I always bitch about the mania when at least it doesn’t feel like this?
My partner went to a GP appt today because the NHS have been abysmal in my treatment again and he wanted our GP to help us out in seeing a psych. I was too anxious and scared to go the appt, and when my partner came back he said he was glad I didn’t go because it would have been one of those appts where I burst into tears afterwards.
The stress of all the appts alongside mood symptoms has me battling not to give into the anxiety, but to keep going and breathe…not to give into the depression and wind up spending days, weeks, months, sitting staring at a blank wall whilst planning a way to check out permanently…not giving into the psychosis which tries harder and harder to make life unmanageable.
Where we are right now I can’t go to any appts…travel time varies from 45 – 90 minutes to each appt, and that is too much when I’m already freaking out – go ahead, laugh at me all you want, it’s the truth.
On top of that they’re still not offering me any appts with a psychiatrist, they want me to see a social worker…my old social worker, the one that battered me to the point where I started crying and then swore I would never see her again…oh, and they gave me one day’s notice for the appt.
That was never going to happen.
My partner cancelled the appt, I panicked and cried and made him understand I am never going through that service again, and now the GP won’t (not can’t) but won’t help.
I just want to talk with a psychiatrist, I just want to start a medication I’m comfortable with to see if it will help and I’ll actually have a life…but that’s fine. I won’t see anyone.
(In all fairness maybe I might feel a little better without the constant threat of disastrous appts)
Today I’ve slept (sleep’s had a huge increase – from 4 to 14 hours in less than a week!) and sat with the quail and the pigs, in a desperate attempt to reduce stress levels.
I’ve said hi to the quail as they free ranged, cleaned one of their levels, burnt a bigger hole in the upper floor to make it more accessible and refilled their food. I’ve fed the pigs, cuddled Tilt, and added a new home-made hide to their cage.
This, people, is why my pets are so beneficial to me.
Normal pet posts will resume shortly…