The panic is back

Bipolar blog, skip if you don’t want to hear me whine…

My whole body is tensing and my toes are curling with pure panic.

It’s getting to that point again, the one where it gets so bad I can’t breathe or function at all. Why do I always bitch about the mania when at least it doesn’t feel like this?

My partner went to a GP appt today because the NHS have been abysmal in my treatment again and he wanted our GP to help us out in seeing a psych. I was too anxious and scared to go the appt, and when my partner came back he said he was glad I didn’t go because it would have been one of those appts where I burst into tears afterwards.

The stress of all the appts alongside mood symptoms has me battling not to give into the anxiety, but to keep going and breathe…not to give into the depression and wind up spending days, weeks, months, sitting staring at a blank wall whilst planning a way to check out permanently…not giving into the psychosis which tries harder and harder to make life unmanageable.

Where we are right now I can’t go to any appts…travel time varies from 45 – 90 minutes to each appt, and that is too much when I’m already freaking out – go ahead, laugh at me all you want, it’s the truth.

On top of that they’re still not offering me any appts with a psychiatrist, they want me to see a social worker…my old social worker, the one that battered me to the point where I started crying and then swore I would never see her again…oh, and they gave me one day’s notice for the appt.

That was never going to happen.

My partner cancelled the appt, I panicked and cried and made him understand I am never going through that service again, and now the GP won’t (not can’t) but won’t help.

I just want to talk with a psychiatrist, I just want to start a medication I’m comfortable with to see if it will help and I’ll actually have a life…but that’s fine. I won’t see anyone.

(In all fairness maybe I might feel a little better without the constant threat of disastrous appts)

Today I’ve slept (sleep’s had a huge increase – from 4 to 14 hours in less than a week!) and sat with the quail and the pigs, in a desperate attempt to reduce stress levels.

I’ve said hi to the quail as they free ranged, cleaned one of their levels, burnt a bigger hole in the upper floor to make it more accessible and refilled their food. I’ve fed the pigs, cuddled Tilt, and added a new home-made hide to their cage.

This, people, is why my pets are so beneficial to me.

Normal pet posts will resume shortly…


6 thoughts on “The panic is back

    • Thank you so much – doesn’t get much better than guinea pig snuffles, puppy fun and quail pootling across your lap 😀

  1. Have you or your partner looked online for a psychiatrist willing to do appointments by skype? There has to be someone out there willing to treat you where you are – even if its in your home. I don’t know how to look someone like that up but maybe just goggling something like ‘skype with doctor’. Keep reaching out for help – don’t give up – but don’t settle for crappy treatment either. You are strong – even if you don’t feel like it – and it bears repeating – You are strong.Focus on what you can and remember to breathe.

    • Unfortunately with the crappy NHS you don’t get to find / choose either the psychiatrist or when you see them…you just get what you’re given and can’t dispute it. There are less than five psychs in our entire area too, so getting appts with them is hard and seems to take forever. You can most probably do home visits or video calls with a psych if you pay for private health care, but there’s no way we could afford that…

      Thank you for this comment…I feel anything but strong, so it’s nice to read that 🙂

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