Yesterday was a mainly good day in a sea of shit days.
The thing I am struggling most with at the moment is having no idea what the day will bring. I wake up nervous because, for the first hour or so, I feel pretty damn neutral…then over the next couple hours my mood either sinks a little lower or plummets. There’s never any indication and nothing I do has helped buffer against the sadness.
I’m learning to just accept that some days are good days, and when I am having a good day we have to eek as much enjoyment from it as possible.
Yesterday was clearly going to be a good day, I could tell from first waking, so I asked my partner if I could walk Kasper on my own. Yeah yeah, this should seem like no big deal, but to us it’s massive.
1) When my Bipolar was more predictable (ie. months of depression, weeks of stability, months of mania, repeat) it was easy for my partner to know which headspace I was in.
He knew I could safely go out on my own when I was stable or hypomanic, and when I had been for some time. He just had to watch out for the lows and the manias.
That’s a lot harder to do now, because my psychosis is constant and my mood is erratic.
2) Because my mood isn’t so trustworthy, sometimes it only takes a tiny thing to capsize my ‘stability boat’. (that’s an interesting metaphor…I guess it is 6am, I’m allowed to have a sleepy head 😀 )
If I was stable and I stood in a puddle and my foot got soaked, I either wouldn’t care or would find it funny. If that happened now I have no idea how I would react…I might shake it off, or burst into tears, or be overwhelmed with intense rage. Something so simple *could* ruin an entire day, or it could have no impact whatsoever.
After a long think…
my partner said I could take Kasper out on my own. Yay 🙂
Because I was feeling so good and confident (it felt like hypomania, but where did that come from?!) I decided to take Kasper on a big walk to the beach. This is a walk I have never done on my own before…there was a lot of potential for things to go wrong, and the walk is difficult because you have to walk along a surprisingly busy narrow country lane with no pavement, but I just went for it.
KASPER WAS AMAZING!
He walked like a stud, and when there were cars coming he sat when I asked and kept his focus on me. He did two poops on the walk and sat oh-so-patiently whilst I picked them up (when he was 9 – 18 months old poo picking was a 2 person job because he would lunge at you and play tug with the lead!).
When we got to the beach it was a high tide so all the marshland was flooded, making a very fun walk.
Kasper came away from a corn cob when I asked and paid attention every time I wanted him to. I extended Kasper’s lead from 4ft to 5ft because I was so confident that we were gelling and I could get him to do almost anything 🙂
On the way back the torrential rain started (thanks for getting it wrong again BBC weather!), but neither of us cared. We did some basic training dotted about everywhere with different distractions, and then as we were walking home I noticed Kasper was limping on his front left paw.
Oh shit. Was this going to be the moment where everything turned sour?
I knelt down (in the torrential rain, with hail mixed in) and got Kasper to sit, then picked up his paw to have a look. Kasper used to despise any body handling, and here I was groping a paw that was painful whilst he sat like a star 🙂
It was just a thorn, slightly embedded into the pad. I gave him a treat, picked the paw up again, and plucked out the thorn. More treats. Crisis averted!
The rain stopped just as we got back to our village and I saw my partner walking towards us, squeaky clean after his shower. Cue steam train pulling from Kasper to get to his daddy ❤
My partner had come looking because he was worried about us. Bless him, it must be so difficult never really knowing what my mood’s going to do, or how long it will last. He was thrilled we’d had such a good walk though!
My partner is such an amazing guy. Imagine having to put up with me 🙂